Tag Archives: McDonalds

by | March 23, 2020 · 4:16 am

UK to give world a bloody good laugh by getting morons to panic buy McDonald’s

If only they all dressed like that, it’s a fierce look

The UK has decided to take one for the team and cheer everyone else up by sending its widespread moron population to form huge and in some cases quite violent queues outside McDonald’s restaurants before they all close.
“Our first idea was to contribute to the global fight against the coronavirus by providing medical supplies and staff,” said a Number Ten spokesperson. “Then we realised that we don’t have any so instead thought we’d give other countries a giggle with footage of idiots ignoring social distancing and brawling just to buy a handful of sweaty mechanically recovered meat.”
“The rest of the world will see the long lines and the emergency services being deployed to them and they’ll be tickled pink. Proving that laughter really is the best medicine. Which is handy because we’ve got bugger all medicine.”
McDonald’s will close nationwide at 19:00 this evening. Let the games begin.

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by | April 3, 2014 · 7:00 am

Nick Clegg loses argument with McDonald’s drive-thru assistant

cleggthru

Clegg was unsure whether to appeal to the left or to the right.

Nick Clegg faced further humiliation this morning, after losing a conversation with a girl working in McDonalds.

Clegg, who revealed he eats cheap meat for comfort if people are mean to him, was left looking ‘out of touch, out of ideas and out of onion rings’ by the ordeal.

Nikki Hampton works at the fast food outlet to pay her way through her degree. Responsible for mumbling the names of burgers and then sniggering as people smash their door mirrors against her booth, she was more than a match for Britain’s deputy PM.

“I knew it was someone pretending to be important by the length of their limo”, said Hampton. “And true enough, when the blackened rear window dropped there was just this sad, little boy-man staring out. When he squeaked ‘a whopper please’, I knew that I’d got him on the ropes. He was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
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by | October 28, 2013 · 7:00 am

McDonald’s to replace ketchup with orangutan blood

barrow of apes

Urangutans are delivered to ape rendering plant using low carbon transport

Following the discovery that Heinz ketchup doesn’t have any affect on rain forests, McDonald’s has announced it will phase the condiment out in favour of orangutan blood.

McDonald’s restaurants have served Heinz ketchup for over 40 years, despite the tomato-based product actually tasting of something. But now Heinz has realigned the product by popping it in the bin, and using something more typically bland that you don’t want to think about where it came from.

“Orangutans are the ideal source for orangutan blood and it’s a source that’s  sustainable, for at least as long as there are orangutans”, explained Nigel Manning, the company’s head of near-human resauces. “There have been a few teething problems with this natural product being a little bit too runny, but our food scientists are busy tackling that problem.”
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by | July 29, 2013 · 11:44 am

Iain Duncan Smith announces “unemployee of the month” awards to motivate beneficiaries

Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable

Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable

The Coalition’s sweeping benefit reforms have continued with Department of Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith confirming that a pilot scheme to motivate beneficiaries with “unemployee of the month” awards is to be rolled out across the UK.

Duncan Smith said the idea came to him when he visited the Westminster McDonalds and he noticed that none of the employee of the month winners were still working there.

“There they were posing in a photo with a McDonalds uniform, a silly hat, and a forced smile” said Duncan Smith. “Obviously the humiliation of it all meant they soon got another job and left. We thought the same concept could work with beneficiaries.”
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