Note to self: don’t clap your own jokes.
A list of pre-prepared notes has been found in Ed Miliband’s dressing room, following the TV debates. The Evening Harold can exclusively publish them in full.
My mother-in-law is so fat, she qualifies for a free flu jab and disability allowance. Quite right too, it’s a serious condition.
A welsh woman, a scots woman and a hungarian go into a bar. They form a coalition to keep the tories out.
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Filed under Election 2015
The BBC have announced they are to launch a digital station dedicated to Nigel Farage.
The channel, BBC Nige, will be set up in the wake of UKIP getting its first MP, and British politics getting its first personality in over 20 years.
Filed under Election 2015
Clegg was unsure whether to appeal to the left or to the right.
Nick Clegg faced further humiliation this morning, after losing a conversation with a girl working in McDonalds.
Clegg, who revealed he eats cheap meat for comfort if people are mean to him, was left looking ‘out of touch, out of ideas and out of onion rings’ by the ordeal.
Nikki Hampton works at the fast food outlet to pay her way through her degree. Responsible for mumbling the names of burgers and then sniggering as people smash their door mirrors against her booth, she was more than a match for Britain’s deputy PM.
“I knew it was someone pretending to be important by the length of their limo”, said Hampton. “And true enough, when the blackened rear window dropped there was just this sad, little boy-man staring out. When he squeaked ‘a whopper please’, I knew that I’d got him on the ropes. He was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
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Filed under Europe, Politics, Showbusiness
Nigel Farage has been accused of cheating following the LBC EU debate this evening. The Ukip leader has been forced to deny having a stooge in the debate and said the person accused of being placed in the room to make him look good was actually Nick Clegg.
The debate over the UK’s membership of Europe was the first of two, with the second happening next week, and was designed to be between two leaders on the pros and cons of membership.
But David Cameron and Ed Miliband both declined the opportunity so Farage and Clegg took part instead.
Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Political lightweights battle for third place.
Billed as the fight of the century, this classic confrontation of brain & brawn echoes the 1974 Ali v Foreman classic.
Our sports and political reporters put their heads together to give readers this detailed prediction.
Setting the scene:
In the yellow corner, or it may be orange, no one really knows, Clegg: Never thought of as a big hitter, he is fast on his feet. The legendary ‘Clegg Shuffle’ bamboozles opponents, leaving them punching thin air as the maestro performs his trademark U-turns.
Taunting is a big part of Clegg’s armoury; ‘I’ll float like a butterfly, sting like a butterfly’ he says of the forthcoming contest.
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Sport
Cameron ‘would be happy’ to share Number 10 with Farage.
With just days to go until a TV debate between Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage, Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that he ‘would be happy to vote UKIP’.
“UKIP’s beliefs are remarkably similar to those of the traditional tory voter”, explained Cameron. “But they focus on the beliefs we wouldn’t dare admit to.”
Anti-Europe, anti-immigration and anti-foreign aid, UKIP ‘is like catnip’ to many members of Cameron’s cabinet. “Obviously, in public we have to denounce all of UKIP’s awful, bigoted policies”, said William Hague. “But that doesn’t mean that in private, we can’t try and vote them in.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics
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