Clegg and Farage square up for ‘The Rumble in the Colon’


Political lightweights battle for third place.

Billed as the fight of the century, this classic confrontation of brain & brawn echoes the 1974 Ali v Foreman classic.

Our sports and political reporters put their heads together to give readers this detailed prediction.

Setting the scene:

In the yellow corner, or it may be orange, no one really knows, Clegg: Never thought of as a big hitter, he is fast on his feet. The legendary ‘Clegg Shuffle’ bamboozles opponents, leaving them punching thin air as the maestro performs his trademark U-turns.

Taunting is a big part of Clegg’s armoury; ‘I’ll float like a butterfly, sting like a butterfly’ he says of the forthcoming contest.

In the yellow but with a bit of purple corner, Farage: Sometimes dismissed as a journeyman lummox, Farage is theoretically capable of using both hands but only uses the right. He puts many opponents to sleep by the sheer monotony of his attack.

The fight itself:

Clegg opens up with a flurry of jabs: promising a Ferrari, a unicorn and a jumbo pack of magic beans for each europhile.

Farage counters with a promise to eurosceptics that personal border guards will deport anyone down your street who ‘looks a bit foreign’.

Clegg emulates Ali back in ‘74, opting to take punishment round after round to exhaust his foe. Historians refer to their records, to check if Ali also started to cry and ask for his mum.

Farage scorns the stool, lounging against the ropes drinking a pint of British Ale in between rounds, swapping stories with the crowd and brushing cigar ash from his tweed trunks.

While the referee checks if Clegg is still capable of defending himself, Farage does press ups on one arm, hefts a 12 bore in the other and shoots a badger.

In the eighth round Farage is distracted by several brown people in the audience. Clegg accidentally catches Farage with a decent punch when waving to his gran and the fight is over.

Unfortunately, Clegg never recovers and retires in May 2015, a spent force and frankly a bit of an embarrassment when seen in public.

Plucky loser Farage consoles himself with a lucrative kitchen grill endorsement “This baby adds fat though” he says, “I’m not a big poof”.

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