Ed Miliband’s scripted jokes leaked: the list in full


Note to self: don’t clap your own jokes.

A list of pre-prepared notes has been found in Ed Miliband’s dressing room, following the TV debates. The Evening Harold can exclusively publish them in full.

My mother-in-law is so fat, she qualifies for a free flu jab and disability allowance. Quite right too, it’s a serious condition.

A welsh woman, a scots woman and a hungarian go into a bar. They form a coalition to keep the tories out.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He’s not a chicken, hell yeah he’s tough.

Knock Knock, Who’s there, It’s Me, Ed, I’ve come to talk to the people at home.

Two nuns in the bath. One says ‘Ed Balls’. It is deleted from Twitter shortly after.

How many Scottish Labour MPs doe it take to change a light bulb? 35. That’s why you have to vote Labour to stop the tories changing it.

What’s green and turns red at the flick of a switch? Labour’s environmental policy!

What do you call a man with a knife in his back? David Mili…hey! These aren’t my notes!

1 large wholemeal loaf, 2 litres of skimmed milk, 2 rashers practice bacon…sorry this is definitely the wrong list.

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