Tag Archives: addiction

No more benefits for fatties, says Cameron, while fat cats remain his bestest chums


People in fat houses shouldn’t throw lard, Dave.

David Cameron has announced the next step in his war against people who aren’t him by saying that the obese, alcoholics and drug addicts will face benefit sanctions if they don’t get better and get working.

“It is not fair to ask hardworking taxpayers to fund the benefits of people who refuse to accept the support and treatment that could help them get back to a life of work,” the Prime Minister said. “While it’s perfectly fair to force hardworking taxpayers to bail out banks and my friends in the City because massively high-stakes gambling with money that isn’t yours is an addiction that we Tories cherish and support one hundred per cent.” Continue reading

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‘No cure’ for addiction to cold turkey

Connor Harris seen leaving the doctor’s surgery today.

You are what you eat.  This is Connor Harris.

Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.

Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.

“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”

“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”

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Amy Winehouse denies she is addicted to death

I can give up death at any time

I can give up death at any time

On what would have been her 30th birthday, deceased singer Amy Winehouse angrily denied that she is addicted to death.

In a statement issued through her publicist and medium, Winehouse said she was more of a social corpse, and she could give up death at any time.

“They said I couldn’t give up the drink and drugs but I proved them all wrong – I haven’t touched a drop of whiskey or line of coke for over two years” said Winehouse.

“Death is not causing me any problems, if anything my skin has improved. But I’m being careful to do death in moderation, and only when I have company around.”
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