“The jobless spread ebola”: IDS uses speech to make bold claims

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Does the painting make anyone else think of Vigo the Carpathian?

In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones.

“People refusing to take a job are responsible for increasing levels of immigration,” said the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions. “And not the good kind where immigrants clean my house or work on my country estate. The jobless also incubate the ebola virus in the beds they so rarely drag themselves from and propagate Japanese knotweed on top of broadcasting ‘box blight’ spores from the bottom of their trousers in National Trust gardens.”

Pausing only to wipe some flecks of foam from the corners of his mouth the father of four pledged that he would limit child benefit to two children per family on the off-chance “being a shirker is genetic” and replace housing benefit with claimants being issued with a small tent and told to make do.

“There’s less than ten months until the next general election,” Duncan Smith said. “I won’t rest until the jobless are eradicated!”

When asked by journalists if he meant ‘until joblessness is eradicated’ Duncan Smith just shrugged and muttered “whatevs” before swooshing his cloak about him and skittering off to the sewers.

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