Public urged to ‘save up’ serious injuries to take pressure off A&E

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This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.

People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.

Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.

“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”

An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.

“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.

“Sometimes these things can be character-building. Or lead to septicemia. And such a development would make you just one ailment away from getting a ticket to wait for an appointment.”

Evans revealed that if someone was suffering from a serious injury and didn’t want to wait, they could always go privately.

“Yes, a ticket to Dignitas is certainly one option”, she beamed. “But if you can’t afford it, don’t beat yourself up.”

“That would be cheating: our cost assessors will spot that. What do you think we are? A publicly funded national asset?”

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