Category Archives: Letters

by | July 27, 2019 · 4:50 pm

The Alphabet, according to Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq., M.P.

He has no time for Moaning Minnies
But insists his salary be measured in Guineas
A is for ‘acquaintance’, one does not have ‘mates’;
B is for ‘ballroom’, such an elegant place;
C is for ‘corset’, which should be worn tight;
D is for ‘duke’, much better than ‘knight’;
E is for ‘engagement’, a contract before marriage;
F is for ‘fargon’, a most useful carriage;
G is for ‘God’, in whom we all trust;
H is for ‘help’, a good nanny’s a must;
I is for ‘inferior’, which poor people are;
J is for ‘job’, like ‘tosher’ or ‘char’;
K is for ‘knife’, please set to the right;
L is for ‘love’, an upsetting sight;
M is for ‘mourning’, you need the right clothes;
N is for ‘nosegay’, oft given by beaus;
O is for ‘opium’, an efficacious tonic;
P is for ‘poverty’, an illness most chronic;
Q is for ‘quarry’, a fox, pheasant or deer;
R is for ‘rule’, which men do, that is clear;
S is for ‘season’, when girls look for a suitor;
T is for ‘templum’ (this is latin neuter);
U is for ‘unmentionables’, mostly lady parts;
V is for ‘Victorian’, the noblest of hearts;
W is for ‘wife’, a woman’s greatest aim;
X is for ‘xenophobia’, in which there’s no shame;
Y is for ‘yard’, an imperial measurement;
Z is for ‘Zulu’, a dark foe most unpleasant.

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by | October 1, 2015 · 7:41 am

Your Letters (Tom)

Dear Sirs/Madams,

As a big fan of the cartoon Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers, I was very excited to hear that they were doing a live show recently so I bought a ticket. On arrival I was horrified to discover that the show was not based on my favourite cartoon chipmunks but was actually the Chippendales, a group of scantily-clad male dancers. I felt that it would be rude to leave part way through the performance though so I stayed for the whole show. I just thought I’d write in to mention that this was the only reason I was there, just in case anybody noticed me and got the wrong idea. I’m definitely not gay though.

Tom C, Hollywood

 
Dear Sirs/Madams,

Being a big fan of baseball, and a keen amateur player, I was excited to hear that there was a local ‘Swingers’ club opened up near me recently. Imagine my horror when I went along to the opening night and discovered that this was not a club for baseball fans but actually a place where people could engage in sexual acts with strangers. Not wanting to appear rude I felt I should stay a little while and in my efforts to fit in I accidentally tossed off three men in the shower. I just thought I’d write in to mention that this was all a misunderstanding, just in case anybody recognised me and got the wrong idea. I’m definitely not gay though.

Tom C, Hollywood.

 
Dear Sirs/Madams,

I recently went along to the opening night at a new gay club. Part of the advertising for the night described it as being “an ideal opportunity for homosexual men to meet other homosexual men for potential homosexual relationships”. This made me think that it was some kind of, err… puppet show? Yeah, that’ll do. Anyway, imagine my surprise when I discovered it was actually a gay club, with lots of homosexual men looking to meet other homosexual men for homosexual relationships. Not wanting to appear rude I stayed for a while and chatted to some of the other patrons. During my attempts to fit in I accidentally entered into a committed, long-term relationship with a burly young fireman called Peter. I just thought I’d write in to mention that it was all a misunderstanding and I’m definitely not gay.

Tom C, Hollywood.

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