Tag Archives: children

by | January 8, 2016 · 7:00 am

Parents use home screen snog selfies to curb kids screen time

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The horror

Local parents have solved the problem of excessive screen time turning their children into drooling homunculi who don’t know what trees are by putting pictures of them kissing on the home screens of all their children’s gadgets.

“Nothing repulses kids faster than the idea of Mum and Dad, or Mum and Mum, or Dad and Dad, or Mum and Just Call Him Uncle For Now And We’ll See How Things Go getting amorous,” Harold parent Ceaserina Okereke told us. “Mine took one look and ran out of the room. Which is good because kids don’t get much exercise these days. Now instead of watching crap on YouTube they want to play board games and read books.” Continue reading →

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by | November 9, 2015 · 4:07 pm

Couple face fine for using Paloma Faith Rugby Anthem against ‘screaming’ children

palomaLocal killjoys, who couldn’t stand the sound of children playing next door, now face a fine for installing a device that, when activated, sent the youngsters scampering back to the safety of their computer screens.

Mr and Mrs Green read about anti-loitering equipment online, and decided to fashion their own to counter the sounds of joyful enthusiasm coming from next door’s garden.

“I don’t mind children” said Mr Green, “but they should be seen and not heard. It got so bad that we couldn’t sit out in the garden without hearing them laugh or politely ask their mum if they could help with anything.”
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by | May 19, 2015 · 6:43 am

Controversy as Primary school sandpit gains blue flag status

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Local cat, hatching a ‘stink vole’.

A sandpit that’s as popular with local cats as it is with the school children of Harold has been awarded ‘blue flag’ status.

Beach scientists sifted through the 3 metre by 2 metre site, using their toes and EC-standard flip-flops.

With a clear pass for oil spills and only one sticky penguin found, the team praised the sand for its relative freshness.

“It’s a wonderful eco system, the top inch was relatively barren, but below that, we found some furry, brown ‘stink voles’ that were flourishing” said team leader Nate Grimshaw.
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by | April 20, 2014 · 11:00 am

Parents’ share of kids’ chocolate rises to new high

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Parents are to receive their biggest share of their kids’ easter eggs since the economic crash in 2008, latest figures say. The average ‘share’ awarded is set to rise to 24% of all chocolate given to their kids, a rise of 3% on last year.

The share of chocolate, which parents award themselves, has always been controversial, especially during the economic downturn. One cocoa analyst explained the market to us: “The last few years have seen Easter egg distribution on an ‘egg per child’ basis down on previous years, and only now are we seeing aunties and uncles coming back into the market” Sam, aged 12 told us.

“This means parents have had to take a lower percentage of the children’s chocolate to keep overall levels high. But now each child looks set to gain more chocolate capital this year, parents can expect to take a larger share.”

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by | February 7, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Child health experts urge ban on filling cars with deadly cobras

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Health risk or nanny state?

Following the proposed ban on smoking in cars, more than 700 doctors and health experts have put their names to a letter urging MPs for a ban on parents filling their cars with deadly cobras when children are present.

The issue is due to be voted on in Parliament on Monday, and the doctors say the move is desperately needed “to protect children from harm, specifically from being bitten by deadly cobras.”

Filling cars with live poisonous snakes when children are in the rear seats is so much a part of British life that few people have ever questioned it, but a growing awareness of snake poisoning and decline in cobra ownership have seen the anti-snakes in cars movement growing. Continue reading →

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