Tag Archives: Eggs

by | August 7, 2014 · 7:00 am

Failed Bake Off contestant thrown out of village

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Evans was presented with a black forest get out cake.

A contestant who was eliminated from the first round of the Great British Bake Off has been barred from returning to the village.

Many in Harold had initially been excited to spot Harriet Evans on the hit BBC show, but the joy swiftly turned to disgust when it was revealed her Swiss Roll was ‘a bit dry’.

“What the f**k was she thinking?” asked cllr Ron Ronsson. “Just 8 fluid ounces of milk with that much flour was never going to put Harold on the map. She left us with no choice but to burn down her cottage.”
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by | April 20, 2014 · 11:00 am

Parents’ share of kids’ chocolate rises to new high

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Parents are to receive their biggest share of their kids’ easter eggs since the economic crash in 2008, latest figures say. The average ‘share’ awarded is set to rise to 24% of all chocolate given to their kids, a rise of 3% on last year.

The share of chocolate, which parents award themselves, has always been controversial, especially during the economic downturn. One cocoa analyst explained the market to us: “The last few years have seen Easter egg distribution on an ‘egg per child’ basis down on previous years, and only now are we seeing aunties and uncles coming back into the market” Sam, aged 12 told us.

“This means parents have had to take a lower percentage of the children’s chocolate to keep overall levels high. But now each child looks set to gain more chocolate capital this year, parents can expect to take a larger share.”

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by | February 3, 2014 · 11:00 am

How did 4 million housewives boil an egg in WW1?

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An eggy soldier digs in and awaits the big push.

With this being the centenary year of the First World War™, we ask Harold’s oldest living conscientious objector about life in the second best conflict in history.

“Kids these days take a boiled egg for granted I suppose”, suggests George Butler, 119. “But back then, the warmed chicken foetus had only just been discovered, by a chap in Berlin who ate something that fell out of a hen and landed in a kettle.

“They weren’t called eggs straight away, no no no. Until 1915 they were known as ‘kaiser orbs’ or ‘hun balls’ if you were common. Anti-German feeling was so strong that omlettes were eventually considered an act of treason.

“That’s why in Harold, we had the famous ‘chicken trials’ of 1914. All the kids cheered when a bantam broiler was found guilty of Germanism and tied to the church and shot. You could still see the bullet holes in the old vicar right up until his death in 1986.”
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