Following news events over the last few days, we have decided to publish a picture that some may find controversial. We do it defiance of those who try to break us, in defiance of those who are desperate to force change upon us, and in defiance of those who wish to devalue our traditions.
Cadbury, leave our Creme Eggs alone.
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Filed under Culture, Easter, International News, Law and Order, News, Uncategorized
Could be worse. Could be a finger of fudge.
The American food giant that owns Cadbury’s is facing strong criticism for secretly rolling out a new cheaper Creme Egg, wherein nearly all the goodness of fresh milk chocolate has been replaced with less costly ingredients, specifically, human faeces.
Kraft Foods has replaced the hugely popular Cadbury’s Dairy Milk shell with one made from a crusty mix of dried excrement sourced from several countries, according to reports in the press.
A spokesman for Kraft told journalists “It’s no longer Dairy Milk. It’s similar, but not exactly Dairy Milk. To be brutally honest, there’s more shit. We have austerity too you know. Real chocolate costs money. ”
“We tested the new one with consumers. They were found to be foul-tasting and stinking of excrement, but we’ve given the new egg a firm thumbs-up.”
Fans of the ovoid chocolate treat – first launched 43 years ago- are angry with the change, with one saying: “I’m so disappointed – they’ve been my favourite snack for years. Now the chocolate tastes cheap, like chocolate liquors, only shittier. I’ll probably still buy them though.”
“Thank heavens there’s now only five in the pack, instead of six – that’s a hell of a relief for those of us who don’t like picking turds out of our teeth on a spring afternoon.”
After officials from the Department of Health asked Kraft for confirmation that the new “chocolate” eggs were fit for human consumption, the company issued a statement saying: “Just don’t ask what’s in the creamy bit…”
For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.
Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.
Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?
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No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!
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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized
Parents are to receive their biggest share of their kids’ easter eggs since the economic crash in 2008, latest figures say. The average ‘share’ awarded is set to rise to 24% of all chocolate given to their kids, a rise of 3% on last year.
The share of chocolate, which parents award themselves, has always been controversial, especially during the economic downturn. One cocoa analyst explained the market to us: “The last few years have seen Easter egg distribution on an ‘egg per child’ basis down on previous years, and only now are we seeing aunties and uncles coming back into the market” Sam, aged 12 told us.
“This means parents have had to take a lower percentage of the children’s chocolate to keep overall levels high. But now each child looks set to gain more chocolate capital this year, parents can expect to take a larger share.”
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