Disappointment as Cadbury Creme Egg recipe now 84% human excrement


Could be worse. Could be a finger of fudge.

The American food giant that owns Cadbury’s is facing strong criticism for secretly rolling out a new cheaper Creme Egg, wherein nearly all the goodness of fresh milk chocolate has been replaced with less costly ingredients, specifically, human faeces.

Kraft Foods has replaced the hugely popular Cadbury’s Dairy Milk shell with one made from a crusty mix of dried excrement sourced from several countries, according to reports in the press.

A spokesman for Kraft told journalists “It’s no longer Dairy Milk. It’s similar, but not exactly Dairy Milk. To be brutally honest, there’s more shit. We have austerity too you know. Real chocolate costs money. ”

“We tested the new one with consumers. They were found to be foul-tasting and stinking of excrement, but we’ve given the new egg a firm thumbs-up.”

Fans of the ovoid chocolate treat – first launched 43 years ago- are angry with the change, with one saying: “I’m so disappointed – they’ve been my favourite snack for years. Now the chocolate tastes cheap, like chocolate liquors, only shittier. I’ll probably still buy them though.”

“Thank heavens there’s now only five in the pack, instead of six – that’s a hell of a relief for those of us who don’t like picking turds out of our teeth on a spring afternoon.”

After officials from the Department of Health asked Kraft for confirmation that the new “chocolate” eggs were fit for human consumption, the company issued a statement saying: “Just don’t ask what’s in the creamy bit…”

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