Easter is a time for remembering that Muslims killed Jesus, according to Donald Trump.
“People ask me why I don’t like Muslims, and I say ‘duh’, it’s because they nailed Jesus to the cross with those Muslamic nails of theirs. Page 545 of the Bible I think it is, there in black and white, Muhammad Pilate and his henchmen killing Jesus.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
The magic rabbit may have laid its last egg.
Harold’s vicar, Rev Tansey Forster, has distanced herself from an event that saw a large-ish rabbit nailed to a cross on the village green.
Although she admitted telling children that the ‘Easter bunny’ wasn’t real and that the focus of the holiday should be more on capital punishment, she denies giving explicit orders to crucify a fat rabbit.
“It’s no secret that the bunny and I didn’t really see eye-to-eye”, admitted Forster. “And that’s not just because I’m diabetic.”
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Filed under Around Harold
For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.
Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.
Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?
Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.
Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.
No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.
Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.
Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.
No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.
Stop!
Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.
No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!
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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized
Parents are to receive their biggest share of their kids’ easter eggs since the economic crash in 2008, latest figures say. The average ‘share’ awarded is set to rise to 24% of all chocolate given to their kids, a rise of 3% on last year.
The share of chocolate, which parents award themselves, has always been controversial, especially during the economic downturn. One cocoa analyst explained the market to us: “The last few years have seen Easter egg distribution on an ‘egg per child’ basis down on previous years, and only now are we seeing aunties and uncles coming back into the market” Sam, aged 12 told us.
“This means parents have had to take a lower percentage of the children’s chocolate to keep overall levels high. But now each child looks set to gain more chocolate capital this year, parents can expect to take a larger share.”
A handkerchief, or the holy ghost?
A retired pathologist has uncovered evidence that Jesus may not have died from crucifixion as widely reported.
Far from succumbing to a cross, professor Howes believes Jesus was overcome by hay fever, perhaps triggered by Easter flowers or the dust given off by moths.
“The bible gives quite a few clues that the real cause of death has been covered up”, claimed Howes. “A lot of the ‘evidence’ just doesn’t seem to stack up.”
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Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.
The ongoing reduction in size of Cadbury’s creme eggs has resulted in the 2015 version no longer being visible to the naked eye, and yet they are still more expensive than when they used to be massive.
“The Cadbury’s creme egg is an iconic chocolate snack, ostensibly released only for a limited period around Easter but actually available all year round apart from one day in October, when it is removed because it is ‘out of season’.” said Lorraine Robinson, Professor of Disappointing Confectionery at the University of Exeter. Continue reading
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