Tag Archives: Easter

Donald Trump says he’s never forgiven the Muslims for killing Jesus

TrumpEaster is a time for remembering that Muslims killed Jesus, according to Donald Trump.

“People ask me why I don’t like Muslims, and I say ‘duh’, it’s because they nailed Jesus to the cross with those Muslamic nails of theirs. Page 545 of the Bible I think it is, there in black and white, Muhammad Pilate and his henchmen killing Jesus.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Crucified rabbit ‘was administrative error’

cross bunny

The magic rabbit may have laid its last egg.

Harold’s vicar, Rev Tansey Forster, has distanced herself from an event that saw a large-ish rabbit nailed to a cross on the village green.

Although she admitted telling children that the ‘Easter bunny’ wasn’t real and that the focus of the holiday should be more on capital punishment, she denies giving explicit orders to crucify a fat rabbit.

“It’s no secret that the bunny and I didn’t really see eye-to-eye”, admitted Forster. “And that’s not just because I’m diabetic.”
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Filed under Around Harold

Advertising Feature

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Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized

Parents’ share of kids’ chocolate rises to new high


Parents are to receive their biggest share of their kids’ easter eggs since the economic crash in 2008, latest figures say. The average ‘share’ awarded is set to rise to 24% of all chocolate given to their kids, a rise of 3% on last year.

The share of chocolate, which parents award themselves, has always been controversial, especially during the economic downturn. One cocoa analyst explained the market to us: “The last few years have seen Easter egg distribution on an ‘egg per child’ basis down on previous years, and only now are we seeing aunties and uncles coming back into the market” Sam, aged 12 told us.

“This means parents have had to take a lower percentage of the children’s chocolate to keep overall levels high. But now each child looks set to gain more chocolate capital this year, parents can expect to take a larger share.”

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Filed under Easter, Religion

Pathologist raises new doubts over Jesus ’cause of death’


A handkerchief, or the holy ghost?

A retired pathologist has uncovered evidence that Jesus may not have died from crucifixion as widely reported.

Far from succumbing to a cross, professor Howes believes Jesus was overcome by hay fever, perhaps triggered by Easter flowers or the dust given off by moths.

“The bible gives quite a few clues that the real cause of death has been covered up”, claimed Howes. “A lot of the ‘evidence’ just doesn’t seem to stack up.”
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Filed under Medicine, Religion, science

New Cadbury’s creme eggs only visible through microscope

Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.

Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.

The ongoing reduction in size of Cadbury’s creme eggs has resulted in the 2015 version no longer being visible to the naked eye, and yet they are still more expensive than when they used to be massive.

“The Cadbury’s creme egg is an iconic chocolate snack, ostensibly released only for a limited period around Easter but actually available all year round apart from one day in October, when it is removed because it is ‘out of season’.” said Lorraine Robinson, Professor of Disappointing Confectionery at the University of Exeter. Continue reading

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