Pathologist raises new doubts over Jesus ’cause of death’

A retired pathologist has uncovered evidence that Jesus may not have died from crucifixion as widely reported.

Far from succumbing to a cross, professor Howes believes Jesus was overcome by hay fever, perhaps triggered by Easter flowers or the dust given off by moths.

“The bible gives quite a few clues that the real cause of death has been covered up”, claimed Howes. “A lot of the ‘evidence’ just doesn’t seem to stack up.”

Howes reveals that Jesus, a political activist, didn’t have a fixed address in Galilee. “So he was either homeless, or back-packing with some mates”, he reveals.

His theory is backed up by a complete absence of blue plaques on properties in the region, as confirmed by Google Maps. “And his mates were called Matthew, Mark Luke and John, which suggests they were unlikely to be locals. Probably from somewhere comfortable, perhaps Wheathampstead or Harold. I’d say odds-on they were from the Home Counties.”

The exact time of death is difficult to trace, as Howes reveals it was only recorded in relation to the phase of the moon. “That does hint at moth involvement, and their dusty wings can really catch your throat. That could trigger an allergic reaction, especially if you’re a bit run-down, have been eating poorly, or were nailed to a tree.”

With spring occurring earlier the further south you travel, Howes thinks Jesus may have been caught out by an unexpected pollen count. “We know from the hundreds of paintings that Jesus was pale-skinned and blue-eyed. It was madness to go somewhere so hot without packing a few antihistamines as a bare minimum. And a loin cloth? That’s not going to keep the UV out.”

The lack of an autopsy doesn’t prove that the body ‘ascended into Heaven’ either, according to Howes. “If you ask me, the coroner was being a bit facetious, no-one likes Economics students. It’s clear he wasn’t taking it seriously, and neither were his mates. Look: they’ve even written on this official form that the next-of-kin was ‘God’.”

Howes knows that Jesus sheltered in a cave for a day or two before his death, probably to keep out of the fresh air as much as the sunlight. “We can learn a lot from Jesus, his story is there for all to see. If you’re thinking of taking a gap year in the Middle East, make sure you go adequately prepared. And for heaven’s sake, stay out of the local politics.”

Howes has recorded the new official cause of death as ‘misadventure’.