Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.
The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.
“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading
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A little tighter, sir?
Nike says its new ‘HyperAdapt sports sneaker’ uses malnourished Asian ragamuffins to tie the shoe laces of clinically obese western-Europeans.
A spokesperson for the famously ethical shoe-maker explained: “Each pair of shoes has its own pair of Vietnamese orphans, velcroed to their superstructure. For the style-conscious wearer, our deluxe range uses matching identical twins.”
Not struggling with a shirt will give Rooney more time to focus on his shoelaces.
England’s football team has reacted angrily to the £90 price tag on their shirts, and are threatening to appear at the World Cup in ‘skins’.
With money tight for the average Premiership footballer, many in the squad feel they have no choice but to play topless in Brazil later this year.
Star striker Wayner Rooney wasn’t impressed with the new design. ‘They’ve not even spelled ‘England’ right on mine, but the teacher has still given it a gold star’ said a clearly angry Wayne.
Roy Hodgson later pointed out to him that it actually said ‘Rooney’. ‘I knowed that’ said the player. ‘Am we playing for Rooney now?’
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