Nike’s self-tying shoe secret: Each shoe has a 7 year-old child taped to the heel

A little tighter, sir?

Nike says its new ‘HyperAdapt sports sneaker’ uses malnourished Asian ragamuffins to tie the shoe laces of clinically obese western-Europeans.

A spokesperson for the famously ethical shoe-maker explained: “Each pair of shoes has its own pair of Vietnamese orphans, velcroed to their superstructure. For the style-conscious wearer, our deluxe range uses matching identical twins.”

The orphans apparently sense when their wearer steps into the shoes and begin pulling on levers which tighten the laces to individual lacing and tension preferences. “This technology could eventually lead to more intelligent, leaner and fitter shoes. Sadly there’s nothing we can do for their owners.”