Villagers protest as Tony Blair opens traditional warmongers


Blair’s warmongery stocks a range of traditional tin blood baths.

Tony Blair has moved to Harold and opened a traditional little warmongers, with organic biological weapons and free-range dossiers a speciality.

But locals are worried that the business could affect house prices, particularly if a bomb should go off.

‘Deng of Iniquity: Warmongery to the discerning despot’ has taken over the premises of Harold’s cancer research shop. It’s also been knocked through to the neighbouring chippy, after Blair heard that ‘The Stephen Fryer’ held large stocks of oil.

Some residents have been more welcoming to Blair than others; Cllr Ron Ronnson was one of the first to greet him. “Lovely to meet you, did you bring any money?”, Blair joked. “I won’t shake hands if you don’t mind. I’ve got blood on them.”

Blair told Ronnson that his time spent bringing peace to Israel had taught him there was ‘more than one way to escalate a minor planning dispute’. “Would this WMD reach the town hall in Dunstable, would you know?”, asked Ronnson. “How long would it take? 45 minutes? I don’t think I can wait that long.”

“Just give me a stun grenade, a pair of testicle electrodes and six tickets for a rendition flight to Turkmenistan. These plans for a kitchen extension aren’t going to throw off the shackles of tyranny by themselves.”

Wendy Deng shares the burden of running the store. “She’s the perfect assistant”, said Blair. “Sassy, smart, intimately connected with the media. And completely morally bankrupt. We have so much in common.”

At this point an old acquaintance of Blair’s turned up. “Oh! Hello Hans Blix. Have you found what you’re looking for yet?”, said Blair. “No? Well, that’s not much of a surprise.”

Blair hopes his warmongers will eventually be accepted by the village, once he’s struck the right balance of patriotism and fear in his advertising. “We’ve had a bit of a bad press recently, but I’m confident that will change”, said the shopkeeper. “I just need to cozy up to a different media mogul. Preferably one I haven’t cuckolded.”

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