From subsidence to flooding, from car breakdowns to dogs with impacted anal glands, every grumble is directly compared by Allan Hostage to the situation in Homs.
“Thanks to the storms, my house has flooded for the first time in 60 years”, said pensioner Elsie Duggan. “At my age, it’s a difficult thing to go through.”
“But when I mentioned it in Sally’Z Cut’z while she was topping up my blue rinse, Hostage appeared from nowhere and said ‘it was nothing compared with the plight of the Syrian people’.”
“I don’t even know why he was in there, the sanctimonious prick is completely bald. If you ask me, he was just loitering there with the specific intention of getting on my tits.”
PC Flegg is also annoyed by his constant references to the bitter civil war. According to her, she can’t ‘so much as issue a parking ticket’ without Hostage wading in with some ill-considered comparison with with the Syrian people’s suffering.
“I agreed to meet Mr Hostage at the station so he could raise my awareness of ‘how much of a fascist’ I am”, said Flegg. “But I’d run out of our normal type of biscuits. I said “Oh bugger we’ve run out of chocolate digestives, it’ll have to be Rich Tea I’m afraid”, and straight away this smug little smile appeared. He blurted out ‘the people of Homs, choking on Sarin and the tears they shed for their dead brothers and sisters would love Rich Tea biscuits’.”
“There’s no answer to that, is there? Other than ‘Yeah, fuck off Allan’.”
PC Flegg has since seized Hostage’s laptop under the pretense of looking for obscene images, a situation that she recently broke news of through her force’s social media accounts.
“She’s only doing this to stop me correcting the opinions of whiny people on Facebook or educating the masses through the Guardian comments section”, said Hostage. “It’s an appalling abuse of my human rights. I’ve been censored, I’ve been marginalised, this is typical of a police state. If you want my opinion, this is way worse than what’s happening in Syria.”