GM potatoes ‘can now fight and kill small mammals’

“Perfectly harmless”

British scientists have developed genetically modified potatoes that have sufficient intelligence and teeth to fight off small mammals.

For years farmers have been blighted by having their potatoes eaten by mice and rats, and have had to invest heavily in traps and poison. Now, after a three year trial run by Harold village scientist Bjorn ‘Three Fingers’ Bjornsson, a strain of potato has been engineered which is practically invulnerable to field animals and hungry tramps.

Following an EU investigation into the potential for terrifying biotechnology to protect crops, scientists at the John Horse Memorial Laboratory began a trial of savage nightmare potatoes in 2010. An early setback ensued when all the trial potatoes escaped one cloudy moonless night, leading to friction with locals and the mysterious disappearance of every cat in the village.

Now, Bjornsson explained, the potatoes have been made significantly heavier, which means not only a higher crop yield but also that their little creepy legs are now unable to carry their weight, negating the risk of further unplanned migrations.

“There is no reduction in biting efficiency, however,” he insisted, toying thoughtfully with the stumps of his fingers.

If the new potatoes were approved to be grown in the UK, farmers would see costs increase in the short term with the higher price of seed and having to nail silver crosses to all doorways before the full moon, but this would be far outweighed by the fine quality of produce and reduction in burglars.

“Training traditional potatoes in self-defence without genetic modification is time-consuming with no guarantee of success,” Bjornsson argued in his famous research paper Crouching Tiger, Hidden Potato. “Most of the time the potatoes just sort of lie there, not biting anything.”

“With this work, we’ve made ninja vegetables a reality and created a starchy monster.”