Tag Archives: driver

by | November 2, 2015 · 3:10 pm

Dense fog sees BMW drivers back off to safe distance of seven inches

There's a BMW in there somewhere, he just hadn't got any lights on

There’s a BMW in there somewhere, he just hadn’t got any lights on

Advice to drivers to leave larger spaces between them and the car in front in thick fog has seen some BMWs backing off to up to seven inches from the car ahead of them.

With heavy fog covering much of Britain today, driving conditions have become difficult, but BMW drivers have done their bit by tailgating very, very slightly less aggressively, and leaving a gap big enough for a very small dog to squeeze through. Continue reading →

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by | January 30, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Justin Bieber album charged with assaulting driver

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Public are advised to avoid the album at all costs.

An album by Justin Bieber is facing prosecution after inflicting itself on an innocent driver.

The disparate collection of mp3 tracks, known collectively as ‘Believe’, caused the driver to deliberately drive into a wall.

“I was heading down the A34 minding my own business, doing the ‘steering wheel drums’ to a track by Bruce Springsteen”, said the victim, Derek Handley.

“Suddenly there was a terrible pain in my ears and my vision was clouded by a red mist. I’d been set upon by a youth, probably Bieber or One Direction”, said Handley.

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by | October 27, 2013 · 11:05 am

Sebastian Vettel wins fourth F1 title; local taxi driver unimpressed

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He doesn’t mind racing in countries with human rights issues, but he won’t race south of the river

Following Sebastian Vettel’s fourth Formula 1 world championship win in India, a local taxi driver has launched a scathing attack on the German saying “driving round in circles in a 200mph car is easy, he should try the M25 on a Friday lunchtime in a Ford Mondeo filled with a fragranced cloud of Magic Tree vanilla.”

Claiming he could do better with his eyes closed, Tommy Alwright from Harold continued his verbal assassination of Vettel’s achievement by comparing the standard of conversation each driving professional has to endure.

“If all I had to do was get from one place to another with someone telling me my tyres are okay and that I just need to go round again, life for this ‘real’ driver would be a piece of piss. But you get Christian Horner to ask him if he’s been busy at the beginning of every lap and see how long it is before he cracks.”

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