Tag Archives: BMW

by | November 2, 2015 · 3:10 pm

Dense fog sees BMW drivers back off to safe distance of seven inches

There's a BMW in there somewhere, he just hadn't got any lights on

There’s a BMW in there somewhere, he just hadn’t got any lights on

Advice to drivers to leave larger spaces between them and the car in front in thick fog has seen some BMWs backing off to up to seven inches from the car ahead of them.

With heavy fog covering much of Britain today, driving conditions have become difficult, but BMW drivers have done their bit by tailgating very, very slightly less aggressively, and leaving a gap big enough for a very small dog to squeeze through. Continue reading →

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by | July 23, 2015 · 8:09 am

BMWs recalled after hackers manage to activate indicators

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Police warned the attack could make BMWs drive predictably.

BMW owners have been warned that they’re vulnerable to attack by hackers, after an owner reported that his car had been overcome by mystery flashing lights.

Using a computer to access the vehicle’s Infotainment system, hackers activated some redundant old code and let other road users know where the hell it was going.

Derek Hostage was driving his BMW X6 when the attack happened, and explained how the lights came on as he was cutting up an ambulance.

“The lights completely took me by surprise”, claimed Hostage, “so I swerved into a bus stop and stuck my fingers up at the waiting queue.”
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by | December 31, 2014 · 11:00 am

City Link collapse ‘good in parts’ says Harold Curate

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For some unknown reason Andy’s last BMW rusted badly

St Paul’s deputy priest-in-charge is delighted with the new motorcycle he recently picked up from City Link’s local depot.

“My old bike was very corroded but I couldn’t claim under BMW warranty just because I’d got it free when it washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.”

Curate Andy heard people could collect parcels from the bankrupt courier company, hitched a lift to Dunstable and was first in the queue on Monday morning. “I didn’t want to go in on the sabbath Continue reading →

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by | July 30, 2014 · 11:03 am

Driverless BMWs will still ‘act like dicks’, company says

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With the government announcement that driverless cars will be permitted on public roads, BMW have said that any driverless car they release will still act like a dick.

“It is important that any autonomous car acts in a way people would expect if it was being driven by a human” a BMW press release said.
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by | May 28, 2014 · 7:00 am

New BMW X7 will be tank

20140527-110625-39985340.jpgThe recently-announced BMW X7 will be a fully functioning, combat-ready tank, according to an update released by Norbert Reithofer, CEO of the German car makers.

Details have been sparse since the announcement at the end of March that BMW were to begin work on a new flagship addition to their range of X off-roaders, so this update has been welcomed by fans of unnecessarily large cars. Priced at around £5 million each the X7 will also be a real status symbol, with customers limited to the wealthiest of dickheads and some armed forces.

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