New BMW X7 will be tank

20140527-110625-39985340.jpgThe recently-announced BMW X7 will be a fully functioning, combat-ready tank, according to an update released by Norbert Reithofer, CEO of the German car makers.

Details have been sparse since the announcement at the end of March that BMW were to begin work on a new flagship addition to their range of X off-roaders, so this update has been welcomed by fans of unnecessarily large cars. Priced at around £5 million each the X7 will also be a real status symbol, with customers limited to the wealthiest of dickheads and some armed forces.

“This is great news and I have placed my order already, even though it is not expected to be released until around 2018.” said Malcolm Roberts, some sort of Managing Director or something, who currently drives a Range Rover, “Apparently it comes with a fully functioning gun turret, which will be perfect for when the car I am driving up the arse of at eighty miles an hour just will not move out of the way.”

Reithofer’s press release included some details of the spec that customers can expect with the X7, including air con, front fog lights, body coloured bumpers, and a 120mm cannon capable of destroying targets at a range in excess of 2,500 metres.

With two inch thick armour plating also included as standard, the X7 tank should achieve an exceptionally high Euro NCAP safety rating, making it an ideal vehicle for the school run. At 30 foot long and weighing in at 50 tonnes parking may prove difficult, but three disabled spaces should provide adequate room.

The optional extras also include dual zone climate control, built-in sat nav/multi media centre, and depleted uranium strike plates. However the list of add-ons does not include indicators.

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