Tag Archives: suicide

TV viewers vow suicide pact if Richard and Judy get another series


Suffering beyond the limits of endurance

Local TV fans Jenny Renfield and husband Arthur have raised a storm in the media by claiming they have agreed to a mutual assisted death pact should Richard and Judy’s morning talk show ever return to television.

In an interview with the Evening Harold, Mrs Renfield said: “If Arthur was really forced to endure that horrific suffering, I wouldn’t give a tuppenny if there was a risk of being prosecuted. I’d do what was right, and I’d take the consequences. That is your job, that is your responsibility as a partner and viewer.”

Her husband agreed, saying: “I wouldn’t let my wife go through that sort of torture. The locked room, the bottle of whisky and the revolver, no messing about. Unless I could find the TV remote and change channels, of course.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health

Critic slams Kurt Cobain suicide note as ‘derivative’


Cobain fans: ‘tragic, too young’

A music critic has poured scorn on a recently revealed suicide letter, found on the body of Kurt Cobain.

The Nirvana frontman left the ‘derivative’ and ‘pedestrian’ note in his wallet, before shamelessly copying Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and other stars by dying while aged 27.

“This note, with its tired references to his wife, drugs and money, is the sort of thing that’s been done hundreds of times before”, said Q Magazine’s Gregory Mallard. “But normally with more nuance, or at least an occasional change in tempo.”
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Julie Hesmondhalgh ‘faked cancer to claim TV award’


Smirking ‘Hayley’ showed ‘no remorse’

A woman on a downtrodden street in the north pretended to have cancer in order to claim a television award.

Julie Hesmondhalgh, also known by her alias ‘Hayley’, told neighbours and family that she was terminally ill. But after collecting millions of viewing figures and tweets of support, it later emerged that the woman was making it up.

“I really felt for Hayley, or should I say ‘Julie’, it was heart-breaking watching her go down hill so fast and then topping herself off”, said hoax victim Elsie Duggan.

“I’m in a retirement home so that sort of thing happens a lot. But her being in the public eye just seemed to make it all the more real.”

Television authorities have been tracking the fraudster using cameras and a massive award ceremony.

“Despite having cancer and being dead she walked unaided to the stage. She was pretty sprightly for the recently deceased”, revealed Duggan. “And to cap it all she showed no remorse whatsoever. In fact, she looked really pleased with herself.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Medicine, News

Soap opera suicide: tears as Coalition Street character kills themselves


Sad but inevitable. The Nick Clegg character had long ceased to be useful.

Viewers of the soap opera Coalition Street are advised to have the tissues handy for tonight’s episode which promises to be a serious tearjerker as Nick Clegg will be seen choosing assisted suicide over annihilation at the next general election. Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, Politics