Blair critical after ‘citizen’s hard stop’, ‘citizen’s arrest’ and ‘citizen’s shooting in self defence’

Medics eventually arrived to rub salt into his wounds.

Tony Blair is said to be in a critical condition after a member of the public carried out a routine citizen’s Stop and Search on the former PM.

‘have-a-go-hero’ Melanie Jones spotted Blair driving around in broad daylight, and instinctively knew she should bring him in.

“It was so brazen, this known criminal was just cruising around without so much as a by your leave”, said Jones. “So I slammed my car into the side of his before shooting him in citizen’s self defence.”

Police eventually arrived on the scene after consulting their lawyers and carrying out a risk assessment. Later they decided that they ought to email for an ambulance, as soon as they’d finished searching the scene for incriminating evidence.

“We found a shrub nearby which would have been the ideal place to hide a pistol”, said PC Flegg. “We haven’t found any yet, but it’s safe to assume that they’ll be there in the next 45 minutes. My colleague is just picking some up from the evidence locker now, but I think we’re safe to close this case before he gets back.”

People close to Blair confirmed that he was obsessed with war and would pose for photos with other gang leaders, thumping his chest. “They told me he was often seen beating around the Bush”, said Flegg.

The brutality of the citizen’s stop has so far failed to raise any response from the public, but journalists think that emotions will eventually spill over.

We asked PC Flegg “Do you think this will lead to riots on the streets of London?” She replied “I doubt it, but our intelligence tells us there’s a 98% chance of a carnival.”

Blair’s wife Cherie was seen near the accident site looking upset, depressed and miserable. No-one could tell how she felt.

PC Flegg told waiting journalists that the next 8 hours would be critical for Blair, but if he survived waiting in A&E there was still a chance he could pull through

“I’d urge members of the public not to take the law into their own hands”, said Flegg. “A citizen’s arrest is a rather old-fashioned and ineffective way of dealing with the most dangerous members of society. Instead, why not try a Citizen’s Rendition Flight?”