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Ukip candidates emptying ‘skeletons from closets’: museums expecting influx of artifacts


Even Farage's pets had skeletons in their closets

With potential Ukip members now being asked to make sure they have no ‘skeletons in their closets’, museums up and down the UK are preparing for an unprecedented amount of new artifacts to display.

The new rules for potential candidates includes declarations such as “I have never been engaged in… racist activity”, “I do not have any skeletons in the cupboard”, and “I have never, in any way, acted like Godfrey Bloom”.

This move by the party has led to the hurried emptying of closets that has left the Harold Natural History Museum inundated with artifacts to add to its otherwise mundane collection.

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High hopes for Olympic gold in road gritting

glitterBritain could boost its Olympic medal tally today, after breaking the track record in the Pointless Road Gritting Relay qualifiers.

With the UK team deploying grit to tackle everything from high winds, fallen trees and silted-up rivers that used to be motorways, few countries look like they have enough in the tank to really threaten for gold.

“When the chips are down and the elements throw everything they have at us, only the British show this level of resolve”, said head coach Nigel Withers. “No matter what the temperature or road conditions we only know one thing and that thing is this: driving slowly in a lorry with all the yellow lights on and spraying everything with small rocks until we’ve won.”

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