Man not stabbed, run over or struck by lightning ‘lucky’ say police


Cassidy also somehow managed to avoid spontaneous human combustion.

A local man who has avoided any life-threatening misfortune has been described as ‘lucky’ during a police press conference.

23 year-old Adam Cassidy spends much of his time indoors looking at a computer, which PC Flegg thinks may have contributed to his ‘amazing survival’.

“His human spirit is indomitable, nothing that the fates throw at him seem to faze him at all”, said Flegg. “Although to be fair, they haven’t really thrown all that much.”

So far this year, the plucky youngster has avoided dying from a peanut allergy, having his legs broken by swans and having his face eaten by a highly localised outbreak of the Ebola virus.

“It’s a miracle I’m still here”, said Cassidy. “When you think about all the things that could kill you, all the chances we take every day…well, you wouldn’t leave your house, would you? Which is why I don’t.”

Meanwhile, Adam’s cousin Janet has been reported as the sole survivor of an air crash in Peru, which saw her jumbo jet collide with a meteorite before plunging into an active volcano.

“There’s barely a mark on her physically”, said a doctor. “But it’s not like she’s won the lottery, is it? And on top of that, they haven’t recovered her hand luggage.”

“In my professional opinion, I’d say she’s cursed. Definitely the unluckiest person I’ve met this week.”

PC Flegg called for villagers to pray for Janet, and ask for her luck to change. “It’s worth a shot but I’m not that confident it will work”, said Flegg. “By the sounds of things, God really hates her.”

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