Author Archives: waylandsmithy

‘Super moon’ damages church roof

mooon

PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.

Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.

The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.

PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.

Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
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Filed under Around Harold, Pagans, Religion, Vikings

Brian Sewell ready to take on Doctor Who role if Scotland votes ‘Yes’

Dr Sewell

Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.

Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.

For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.

But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.

“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Showbusiness

Village souvenir tea towels replaced with novelty dishwasher tablets

tablet

Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.

A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.

Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.

“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Technology

PM backs new laws against killing people and blowing stuff up

boom

Already wrong: about to be made wronger.

David Cameron has given his unconditional support to a new set of rules that will punish those that kill others, or try to ruin things with explosives.

The controversial new approach will give MPs the opportunity to express outrage and concern, and reassure voters that everything is very much under control.

While some radicalised critics have pointed out that murder and terrorism are already illegal under archaic rules, the prime minister insisted that shiny new laws are better than dusty old ones.

“Nothing prevents sickening carnage like rafts of new legisture”, beamed Cameron. “I have in my hand a white paper.”
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Filed under Law and Order, Politics

5 tell-tale signs that you’re a child of the 70s!

1970s

The 1970s – just one of the decades in which people were born.

Are you a child of the 1970s? Did you grow up in one of the UK’s favourite decades? Bathe in nostalgia as our top five list takes you back down memory lane!

1 – Milk. Ah! Milk! Can you remember milk? This off-white fluid was drained from cows by the bucketload, and snapped up by shoppers in exchange for money. Perhaps you drank it, or wore vials of it as a status symbol. It proved so popular, some still buy it today!

2 – Television. It had been around for a while, but tvs were still available in the 70s. Right through from January 1970, to the very end of 1979. Like today, it bought household names right into our living rooms: household names we would later realise were notorious paedophiles.

3 – Shoes. You weren’t anyone in the 70s without a set of shoes to speak of. Perhaps you had more than one, or as many as six? Worn on the feet, they made walking a real possibility. Tell that to kids these days and they just won’t believe you.

4 – Thursdays. A week in the 70s wasn’t a proper week unless there was a Thursday in it! Along with Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays survive to this day, despite campaigners at the time calling for a three-day week. Not to be confused with Flimsday, which was discontinued in 1978.

5 – School. Like a big house nearby where you went to learn things, many children in the 1970s whiled away their days in a ‘school’. There were no teachers back then of course: just a cobweb-filled basement. And an elderly man in his underpants who would poke you with Kitkats.

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Filed under Around Harold, Nostalgia

Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’

 

Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Media, News, Sport

Estate agents criticised for describing demon’s anus as ‘deceptive cottage’

cave

Property boasts ample parking and a regular outpouring of foul doings.

An estate agents in Harold has been widely criticised by consumer groups for advertising a demon’s anus as a ‘family home’.

Muggins and Traptear, Harold’s second least-hated  property sales firm, described the foul outlet of a devil’s spawn as ‘deceptively roomy’. George Evans immediately asked for a viewing.

“I could barely afford the mortgage but I thought I’d seen through their ruse”, he explained. “The word ‘deceptive’ added a frisson of excitement. ‘Is that something successful people look for in a home?’  ‘Should I get in first?’ I was left wondering all the way home. But what I should have asked myself was ‘what is it really?'”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy

Alex Salmond insists ‘we’re keeping the Paul McCartney’

mccartney

Mr McCartney mulls the Kintyre.

Alex Salmond has responded to a letter signed by Mick Jagger and 200 other people you’ve heard of by insisting Scotland will keep the Paul McCartney.

With celebrities lining up to express an opinion on Scottish indepence from their tax havens, Alex Salmond revealed he had drugged Paul McCartney and now had him in his cellar.

“The Rolling Stones are smashing, I love the Rolling Stones”, said Salmond. “But at the same time I hate them and can’t wait to distance our proud nation from their Brown Sugar, Keith Richards and endearing lack of ability to maintain a basic rhythm.”
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Filed under music, Politics

Failed Bake Off contestant thrown out of village

cake

Evans was presented with a black forest get out cake.

A contestant who was eliminated from the first round of the Great British Bake Off has been barred from returning to the village.

Many in Harold had initially been excited to spot Harriet Evans on the hit BBC show, but the joy swiftly turned to disgust when it was revealed her Swiss Roll was ‘a bit dry’.

“What the f**k was she thinking?” asked cllr Ron Ronsson. “Just 8 fluid ounces of milk with that much flour was never going to put Harold on the map. She left us with no choice but to burn down her cottage.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment, Food

White feathers handed to villagers who left lights on after 10

fevver

News of the incident could only morally be watched later on iPlayer.

An angry mob is forcing white feathers into the hands and letterboxes of homeowners who failed to correctly mark the beginning of WWI.

As social media networks led a call to switch household lights off at 10pm last night, Harold villager Pippa Delaney recognised a perfect chance to express fake indignation about those that didn’t bother.

“As far as hollow gestures go, flicking a switch to commemorate 37 million casualties of a war was one of the emptiest”, said Pippa Delaney. “Which is why I knew some wouldn’t bother. I’d grabbed a small duck and was hoiking the feathers out before I’d even whipped up a misplaced sense of moral outrage.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Social media, War

Yoghurt ‘not a dessert’ rules magistrate

yoghurt

Hostage called for clearer labelling on yoghurts.

Children in Harold can no longer be fobbed off with yoghurt after a meal, following a ruling by magistrate Danielle Hostage.

Local child Chloe Ackroyd (11) took her case to court, after being denied a Jaffa Cake on several occasions. Parents Jeremy and Michelle Ackroyd admitted trying to pass off something healthy as a treat, and asked for a banana and a box of raisins to be taken into account.

“There is a natural order to din-dins, whether it be a packed lunch or picnic”, ruled Hostage. “And it shall not be deemed to have ended satisfactorily until there is mini-rolls, ice cream or biscuits.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Health

Tributes pour in for Harold’s ‘shark whisperer’

shark whisperer

Ben doing what he (very, very briefly) loved.

People across the spectrum of animal training have acknowledged the tragic demise of Harold’s first ‘shark whisperer’.

Benjamin Evans always insisted that sharks were misunderstood, despite being giant, stupid fish full of razor-sharp teeth. Eschewing the shark cage in favour of speaking quite softly, Evans’ technique was radically different from the accepted norm.

Evans developed his technique after winning a goldfish in an online game of poker. As soon as it arrived, the expert felt drawn to the animal, and instinctively knew that it definitely spoke English.
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature

Architect redesigns humans to complement new office

office

Another office ruined by an unaesthetic member of staff.

An architect behind an expansive, minimalist office has revealed plans to make the people inside complement the aesthetic.

Xorex Global Inc. commissioned Harold architect Joseph Blythe to design their new head offices, only to discover their staff made the place ‘look a bit shit’.

“It’s rather churlish of them really”, said Blythe . “I’ve studied ‘Nihon kenchiku’ for 15 years and have a wonderful grasp of space and light. But I shouldn’t be expected to accomodate the sort of lumpen worker who buys suits from Tesco, and thinks comedy socks somehow ‘brighten the place up’.”

Blythe revealed the new human will be allowed to vary slightly in size. “Each managerial level will be occupied by adults 2.3% larger than the one below, to subtly reflect their status”, he explained.

“But throughout the concept, each will maintain a pleasing BMI of 18.7, which best reflects the trapezoidal pillars in the central atrium.”
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by | August 1, 2014 · 11:00 am

Jeremy Clarkson opens UK’s first Troll Bridge

troll brige

Clarkson entertains a worker by pointing out his ethnicity.

Motoring bigot Jeremy Clarkson has opened the first troll bridge in Britain, which allows drivers to abuse migrant workers and then drive off at speed.

Snipping the BBC red tape using a sort of scissor sign with his fingers, Clarkson explained that this represented England’s victory at Agincourt.

“The troll bridge gives motorists a chance to express themselves”, said Clarkson. “But being in a car, you can roar away before the recipient can complain.”

Clarkson explained how the system works. “You stop at the barrier, racially abuse the member of staff in the booth, then congratulate yourself on having a nicer car than them.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Transport

Ed Miliband calls for public to run the Labour Party

miliband

Ed Miliband is convinced almost anyone could do a better job.

Ed  Miliband has slammed the leader of the Labour Party’s ability to challenge the prime minister, and wants lollipop ladies and ironmongers to have a go.

Standing in front of a mirror and trying to sound normal, Miliband insisted that the time was right for David Cameron to face up to someone more realistic.

“Reason for change, time for change, a new dawn”, wittered Miliband. “Sustainability, communities, fewer red tape.”

An interpreter for Miliband explained that people are turned off by modern politicians, specifically Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

“But even more specifically, Ed Miliband”, said Ed Miliband’s spokesman. “The answer is to keep him on, but get someone else to do the work.”
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Filed under Politics

Pippa Middleton royal-estates the bleeding obvious

pippa middleton

Next week: how to use your mouth to do a smile.

In a new regular column, Pippa Middleton passes on invaluable etiquette tips dealing with your day-to-day, worthless lives.

“Hullo!

“I’m Pippa Middleton, sister of Kate Middleton, but it doesn’t do to mention that too often in conversation. It can look like you’re showing off, which of course isn’t acceptable in posh circles. And I should know, because I don’t half move in some!

“Some people I once knew but am now well above socially sometimes ask me ‘how do you do it?’ Well, some are born nearly royal, some achieve near-royalness, and some have near royalness thrust upon them.

“And some are a combination of all three. That’s a pretty special circumstance, and one which puts me in a unique position for sharing tips with you, so you can pretend to be nearly as near-royal as what one is. Today’s advice is about ‘breakfast’. Read on!
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Filed under Around Harold, Royals

Lovely weather uncovers Britain’s miserable gits

moaningminny

‘I suppose this means I’ll have to have a bloody choc ice.’

Miserable sods across the country have been left ‘dangerously exposed’ by a recent bout of half-decent weather.

Most Britons tend to agree that there are several things to moan about, and few notice that it’s the same group of dour pessimists at the forefront of that moaning.

“That printer that always runs out of paper. The food van that only has gaps left where the sandwiches used to be by the time it gets to you. The way your children pretend to be out, rather than let you in to ruin their evening”, said PC Anita Flegg.

“These are all things we tolerate people whinging away at, we just sagely nod along. But complaining about the sunshine? I think these buggers have crossed the line.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Weather

Ant engineers finally master secret of flight

flying ant

New ant design has experienced a few set-backs.

A team of ants working from a sandpit in Harold claim to have mastered the ability to fly.

Standing next to a prototype stuck to a cough sweet, chief engineer Brian Pharoah unveiled the new ‘flying ant’, before denying that the design may have been used before.

“Of course there are stories about our ancestors soaring into the clouds, and doing battle with those upstart b**tard wasps”, said Pharoah.

“My dad used to say my great, great, great, great grandmother embracing a sort of rudimentary ability to flap, but it’s clearly untrue”, he insisted. “According to my calculations that would make the world over 364 days old.”

Some have even suggested their current queen ‘fell from the sky’, a theory Pharoah dismisses as heresy.
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, science

Rampaging Prince George destroys Hitchin

hitchinflattened

George inflicted almost as much damage as a 1960s architect.

A rampant future king of England has destroyed 85% of Hitchin, after the town was given to him as a birthday present.

No sooner had George, 12 months, been given the freedom of the city, than he began his destructive first steps through the shopping centre.

“Obviously we’re delighted that the royals took the time to visit”, said Hitchin’s half-crushed mayor, Derek Hopper. “But they could have warned us that their first-born had been gaining weight and height quite so…healthily.”

“Part of me wishes they’d blessed Luton with their presence instead.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Royals

Call of Duty: Gaza Strip ‘too easy’ claim disgruntled gamers

gazastrip

A PC version of the game is unavailable.

A new computer game that allows players to re-enact Israel’s invasion of the Gaza Strip is far too easy, according to critics.

“I had a rocket launcher, three machine guns and a 23 tonne bulldozer in my inventory, and all the game put up against me was an orphan in a shack with a food bowl. Frankly, I thought it was a bit shit”, said gamer Ariel Chutzpah.

“I started to feel a bit sorry for her, but then I remembered to activate my ‘Call from God’. It was a piece of piss to deal with her then.”

Chutzpah thinks that the game is just too one-sided, and made him feel bad about killing dozens of innocents. He wants to see a patch released that would give Palestinians a chance, or at least dehumanise them a bit more.
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Filed under Politics, War