Architect redesigns humans to complement new office


Another office ruined by an unaesthetic member of staff.

An architect behind an expansive, minimalist office has revealed plans to make the people inside complement the aesthetic.

Xorex Global Inc. commissioned Harold architect Joseph Blythe to design their new head offices, only to discover their staff made the place ‘look a bit shit’.

“It’s rather churlish of them really”, said Blythe . “I’ve studied ‘Nihon kenchiku’ for 15 years and have a wonderful grasp of space and light. But I shouldn’t be expected to accomodate the sort of lumpen worker who buys suits from Tesco, and thinks comedy socks somehow ‘brighten the place up’.”

Blythe revealed the new human will be allowed to vary slightly in size. “Each managerial level will be occupied by adults 2.3% larger than the one below, to subtly reflect their status”, he explained.

“But throughout the concept, each will maintain a pleasing BMI of 18.7, which best reflects the trapezoidal pillars in the central atrium.”

Each worker will be available in a range of colours, which reflect their interests and sexuality without the need to resort to conversation. But the design changes go a little deeper.

“Obviously, the anus was the first thing to go”, said Blythe. “We don’t carefully monitor the air quality, just for some small beige unit to locally alter the feng shui after a curry.”

Blythe has also moved the genitals to the small of the back, to give a sleeker look to the basement area. “It also promotes better posture when seated, particularly amongst the men”, said the visionary. “Most are terrified of accidentally leaning back.”

Hair is out, except for a stylish flourish from the ankle region, to emphasise motion and the Sicilian marble floor. And neck motion has been limited to prevent anyone from looking down.

“Actually that’s to stop them vomiting all the time and curling up in the fetal position, sobbing”, admitted Blythe . “That’s another flaw of theirs, rather than with my crystal-clear flooring, stairs and walls and total absence of handrails. A couple of the heathens have actually complained. Some people make no effort to fit in.”

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by | August 1, 2014 · 11:00 am

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