Tag Archives: village

Estate agents criticised for describing demon’s anus as ‘deceptive cottage’


Property boasts ample parking and a regular outpouring of foul doings.

An estate agents in Harold has been widely criticised by consumer groups for advertising a demon’s anus as a ‘family home’.

Muggins and Traptear, Harold’s second least-hated  property sales firm, described the foul outlet of a devil’s spawn as ‘deceptively roomy’. George Evans immediately asked for a viewing.

“I could barely afford the mortgage but I thought I’d seen through their ruse”, he explained. “The word ‘deceptive’ added a frisson of excitement. ‘Is that something successful people look for in a home?’  ‘Should I get in first?’ I was left wondering all the way home. But what I should have asked myself was ‘what is it really?'”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy

Tesco inflicts superstore on model village

mini tesco

Visitors can earn Clubcard points just by staring at the monstrosity.

Lawyers for Tesco are celebrating a famous victory, after successfully imposing a massive superstore on a model village.

‘Lillyharold’, a miniature village filled with tudor cottages, duck ponds and a perfectly-to-scale plague pit, has delighted visitors for over 50 years.

But now tourists are finding themselves drawn to a monstrous glass-and-steel carbuncle, stifling interest in the nearby greengrocers, butchers and turn-of-the-century phone shop.

Capability Evans has tended Lillyharold for the past 25 years, and is devastated by the effect the small enormous Tesco has had.

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Filed under Around Harold, Business

Princess Anne calls for village gingerbread houses to feed the poor

A grateful peasant salivates over his new home

A grateful peasant salivates over his new home

The Princess Royal has weighed into the planning row by calling for new village homes to be made from gingerbread so struggling villagers can always have something to eat.

Her Royal Highness said she was concerned that the migration of village populations to towns and cities would destroy traditional feudal values leaving servantless. “It’s vital that we plan for the future,” she insisted at a planning symposium organised by her big brother Charles. “At current rates, it is entirely possible that there won’t be enough peasants to skivvy in one’s country estate within five years.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Royals

Villagers claim ’11 speed limits is too many’

road signs

PC Flegg claims series of limits gave a ‘gentle transition to safety’. Cllr Ronsson, however, was furious. “I lost my licence in the space of just 20 yards: 45 in a 40, 44 in a 39, 43 in a 38…what makes it worse was she was just holding a hair dryer.’

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Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News