Tesco inflicts superstore on model village

mini tesco

Visitors can earn Clubcard points just by staring at the monstrosity.

Lawyers for Tesco are celebrating a famous victory, after successfully imposing a massive superstore on a model village.

‘Lillyharold’, a miniature village filled with tudor cottages, duck ponds and a perfectly-to-scale plague pit, has delighted visitors for over 50 years.

But now tourists are finding themselves drawn to a monstrous glass-and-steel carbuncle, stifling interest in the nearby greengrocers, butchers and turn-of-the-century phone shop.

Capability Evans has tended Lillyharold for the past 25 years, and is devastated by the effect the small enormous Tesco has had.

“I first suspected something was wrong when the village was visited by two men in expensive suits”, said Evans. “For some reason, they kept measuring up the vicarage. I turned my back for a moment and they were trampling the area flat. They kicked the shit out of the post office, too.”

Before Evans could stop them the men were pushing a convoy of tiny lorries through the high street. Horrified, he watched them knock the arm off a pensioner and damage the lollypop-stick picket fence around the village green with their sleeves.

“I did what I could”, claimed Evans. “I unstuck a few of the locals, painted their faces with grim determination and then glued them in a line of protesters. But before I knew it the lawyers had repainted them with glass-eyed subservience and matching Tesco uniforms, and arranged them in the car park collecting trolleys.”

Evans is worried that the eyesore will permanently damage the village, and has remodelled some of the buildings to reflect this.

“I’ve put a bonsai tree on the hill, you can see the teeny-tiny butcher has hanged himself from it”, he explained. “He was driven to despair by tesco’s aggressive pricing. And I’ve put up ‘for sale’ signs outside the dry cleaners, fish mongers, hardware store, bakers, cobblers, newsagents and café.”

“I found Tesco Value Shreddies were ideal for boarding up their little windows. And they were a bit cheaper than the ones from my local corner shop.”


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