Alex Salmond insists ‘we’re keeping the Paul McCartney’


Mr McCartney mulls the Kintyre.

Alex Salmond has responded to a letter signed by Mick Jagger and 200 other people you’ve heard of by insisting Scotland will keep the Paul McCartney.

With celebrities lining up to express an opinion on Scottish indepence from their tax havens, Alex Salmond revealed he had drugged Paul McCartney and now had him in his cellar.

“The Rolling Stones are smashing, I love the Rolling Stones”, said Salmond. “But at the same time I hate them and can’t wait to distance our proud nation from their Brown Sugar, Keith Richards and endearing lack of ability to maintain a basic rhythm.”

Paul McCartney looked as cheerful as he normally does, despite his arms being tied to a chair and his eyes blindfolded by a tightly wrapped Saltire.

“I love Scotland”, he read from an autocue, after being allowed to peep out. “Especially this dank bit below Mr Salmond’s shed. I urge you all to vote ‘Yes’ in the FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE CALL RINGO AND TELL HIM HE CAN HAVE WRITING CREDITS IF HE GETS ME OUT OF…”

The transmission ended at this point, with a rousing blast of The Frog Chorus. “We would have dropped in ‘Mull of Kintyre’ but he was married to a vegetarian at that point in his life”, said Salmond. “That’s the sort of English affectation that will turn our voters off in droves.”

Salmond revealed that the value of a McCartney would be pegged at 1:1 with the Jagger, which equated to approximately 1,000th of a Lennon.

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