Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.
For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.
But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.
“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
Sewell perfectly encapsulates the essential ‘Englishness’ of the new/same Doctor. “He’s objectionable, and he dresses like a prick”, said Moffat. “He spends most of his time living in the past and thinks he’s better than everyone else he meets.”
Moffat revealed that once a ‘sonic screwdriver’ had been gaffer-taped in Sewell’s hand, it was just a case of encouraging him to be angry before they set the cameras rolling.
“We told him we were taking him up north, that seemed to do the trick”, said Moffat. “On a National Express coach, in a seat behind some scousers.”
The loss of Capaldi may be a relief to the corporation: over 700 complaints have been made by people claiming they can’t understand a word he’s saying.
“That’s not because of his accent”, admitted Moffat. “It’s just because Doctor Who tends to talk a lot of bollocks.”