Tag Archives: WWI

by | August 5, 2014 · 7:00 am

White feathers handed to villagers who left lights on after 10

fevver

News of the incident could only morally be watched later on iPlayer.

An angry mob is forcing white feathers into the hands and letterboxes of homeowners who failed to correctly mark the beginning of WWI.

As social media networks led a call to switch household lights off at 10pm last night, Harold villager Pippa Delaney recognised a perfect chance to express fake indignation about those that didn’t bother.

“As far as hollow gestures go, flicking a switch to commemorate 37 million casualties of a war was one of the emptiest”, said Pippa Delaney. “Which is why I knew some wouldn’t bother. I’d grabbed a small duck and was hoiking the feathers out before I’d even whipped up a misplaced sense of moral outrage.”
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by | August 4, 2014 · 11:00 am

Oh what a lovely war: remembering WWI when war was neat and white (mostly)

uk-1915

Today there’d be a huge social media campaign including tweets from Prince Harry telling people to enlist

As conflicts in Gaza, Syria and many other places continue to rage, the West is commemorating WWI with fondness for an era when soldiers wore neat and tidy uniforms and blew up other mainly white men with the minimum of fuss. Continue reading →

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by | January 5, 2014 · 11:00 am

Ashes tour was ‘great triumph, not shambles’ proclaims Michael Gove

Michael Gove school visit

Safe pair of hands at first slip

Fresh from his announcement that World War One was actually a masterpiece of military planning, Education Secretary Michael Gove has now claimed that the Ashes tour was a ‘triumph’ for the England team.

“Left-wing defeatist commentators are trying to spread the myth that the Ashes tour was some sort of shambles, with under-prepared men sent to certain disaster by an out-of-touch elite,” he snarled this morning. “But let me tell you that good historians, such as myself, see the hostilities as necessary, and a price worth paying to show the Australians very clearly who’s the boss.” Continue reading →

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by | January 3, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Oh what a lovely fake war: conscription introduced for WWI centenary dramas

war-horse-costumes

No Americans needed until April 2017.

Conscription has been introduced in the UK for the first time in over fifty years in order to provide casts for the forthcoming onslaught of dramas and documentaries about the First World War which will begin in this the centenary year of the start of the conflict and be broadcast until November 11th 2018.

“Conscription is absolutely vital,” said Culture Secretary Maria Miller. “Without it this country is simply unable to provide enough young, posh actors with floppy hair to play doomed officers. Nor will we have enough short northern blokes to play chippy sergeants or older character actors with booming voices capable of growing excellent moustaches to be out-of-touch generals.” Continue reading →

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by | October 17, 2013 · 7:00 am

Disgust as BBC fails to mention the war for a bit

war family

What did you do during the war programme, daddy?

Complaints have flooded in to the BBC website, after it was revealed that the war wasn’t mentioned for nearly a whole afternoon.

Despite Britain being in Europe and us All Being Friends Now, it’s generally accepted that the Nazi Menace should be dwelled upon on at least every hour and more often at weekends.

“I was appalled”, revealed local pensioner Doris Kettle. “I rely on the BBC’s Rolling Old News Channel for some comfort in these unthreatening times. But then last Thursday, they didn’t so much as a mention rationing or them brainboxes in Bletchley. They should warn us if they’re not going to do that: I assumed the war had restarted.”

Doris was eventually tracked down to a corrugated structure in her garden and calmed by relatives who coaxed her out with a banana and an old tin of ham. But that wasn’t before she’d blacked out her windows, killed her pets and reported her neighbour for being a Trotskyist agitator.
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