Oh what a lovely fake war: conscription introduced for WWI centenary dramas


No Americans needed until April 2017.

Conscription has been introduced in the UK for the first time in over fifty years in order to provide casts for the forthcoming onslaught of dramas and documentaries about the First World War which will begin in this the centenary year of the start of the conflict and be broadcast until November 11th 2018.

“Conscription is absolutely vital,” said Culture Secretary Maria Miller. “Without it this country is simply unable to provide enough young, posh actors with floppy hair to play doomed officers. Nor will we have enough short northern blokes to play chippy sergeants or older character actors with booming voices capable of growing excellent moustaches to be out-of-touch generals.”

“We’re fighting for nothing less than the UK’s reputation as the pre-eminent supplier of period war dramas. All it takes is one thoughtful docudrama on Gallipoli from the Australians or a brilliant film about Canadian valour during the Battle of Vimy Ridge and we’ll have lost.”

While a lot of actors are pleased that conscription into the dramatising of WWI is at least a job some are not happy like Harold actor Tom Markwell.

“I don’t want to go,” he told us while on a break from his current job as a wolf at local Narnia inspired theme park Six Beavers Over Dunstable. “I’ve been told I’ve got to go to Hungary because it’s cheaper to film there and pretend it’s France. I’ve got to fly by EasyJet and I bet the onset catering will be crap. I feel like hiding in my mum’s attic until it’s all over, I really do.”

As the first actor conscripts gather at regional airports and troop off to locations all over Europe the producers of the WWI projects on which they will be working have promised that the filming will all be over by Christmas.

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