David Cameron comes out as Bulgarian

David Cameron rearing sheep

In happier days, rearing sheep on the farm

In a move certain to shock the world of UK politics, Prime Minister David Cameron has taken advantage of the newly-relaxed EU work laws to announce that he is actually a Bulgarian immigrant named Binka Zhelyazkova. Cabinet insiders had long suspected that Cameron was of Eastern European extraction, but few realised that his privileged English background was totally faked and his family are in fact peasant otter farmers from the remote Targovishte Province.

‘Obviously until the law changed I couldn’t really admit to being a Bulgarian,’ the Prime Minister explained to journalists this morning. ‘It was very difficult to keep up the facade, the ‘фасада’ as we say in my country. Hopefully I can put this behind me now. And it’ll be a relief not to have to hide the otters.’

There was considerable embarrassment for those Conservative backbenchers who have called for curbs on immigration when the entire cabinet followed Cameron’s lead and revealed that they too are all from Eastern Europe and have been working here illegally until now. George Osborne, far from being the ex-Bullingdon Club elite of popular myth, is in fact the son of a tractor engineer from Bucharest; Theresa May is a Hungarian welder, and Jeremy Hunt is a Kurd.

Although Cameron was at pains to insist that he has fully adopted the ways of his new homeland, he admitted that he had been unable to prevent some eastern traditions from creeping into his leadership style. A deep-seated fondness for goats is one explanation for the presence of Michael Gove in the cabinet, and another example is the old peasant custom of finding the most incompetent mental deficient in the village and promoting him to Secretary of State for Work and Pensions. Iain Duncan Smith was unavailable for comment, or possibly couldn’t work out how to answer the phone.

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