Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.
A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.
Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.
“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
Bunting has also banished some other tired old relics. Post cards are out, and so is pensioner Elsie Duggan. “If you want to use the toilet, the least you can do is buy a commemorative potato and then ‘like’ us on Facebook”, said Nigella.
“We’ll share a picture of you putting the seat down, so your friends can see what a nice time you’re having.”
Nigella explained why Elsie, 86, had also been binned. “That luddite Duggan isn’t welcome here any more: I’ve told her we’ve moved on, she can’t buy redundant old tat from the post office these days. Not only does she insist on buying humbugs in a unit she calls ‘ounces’, but last week she tried to buy something called a ‘stamp’.”
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