Miserable sods across the country have been left ‘dangerously exposed’ by a recent bout of half-decent weather.
Most Britons tend to agree that there are several things to moan about, and few notice that it’s the same group of dour pessimists at the forefront of that moaning.
“That printer that always runs out of paper. The food van that only has gaps left where the sandwiches used to be by the time it gets to you. The way your children pretend to be out, rather than let you in to ruin their evening”, said PC Anita Flegg.
“These are all things we tolerate people whinging away at, we just sagely nod along. But complaining about the sunshine? I think these buggers have crossed the line.”
All across the country, small pockets of moribunds can be heard saying “it’s a bit humid” or “I don’t like it when it’s this hot”. Some have tried to bring down the naturally upbeat by showing off their rashes.
Flegg has urged victims of such whines to report the matter to the police, using the new non-urgent ‘get it off your chest’ 101 phone number.
“We’ll pretend that we’re listening and say ‘uh huh’ in the gaps, before popping round with a couple of modified Super Soaker water cannon”, said Flegg. “That’s if we can find you, my satnav’s bloody useless.”
Filled with purple dye, the weapons can stain a misery guts for up to 6 weeks, by which time Flegg gloomily predicts it will be snowing.
“When that happens we’ll round them up and remind them that they’re never happy. And fit them up for some unsolved crimes while we’re at it: it’ll good for my statistics, and it’s not as if a miscarriage of justice could make them any more depressed.”