The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor
The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, Crime, Entertainment, idiots, Royals, Showbusiness, TV
In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, charity, Culture, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Liverpool, Media, Showbusiness, Society, Tourism
Following a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized
I didn’t like it at first, but it Gru on me.
Iain Duncan Smith has today launched the new national dress code for all public sector workers.
The fetching blue and yellow combo comes complete with sturdy safety goggles and is designed to ensure anyone with a menial job and no future prospects such as council road sweepers, traffic wardens, hospital porters, bin men, bus drivers and the like will no longer be mistaken for someone significant like, say, a middle manager, an accountant or a civil servant. Continue reading
Filed under Badgers, Civil rights, DWP, Fashion, Movies, Politics, Uncategorized
This one’s so scared it’s forgotten how to badger
Badgers across England are today living in fear of becoming the victims of a reprisal attack from a government which reacts to the word ‘no’ about as well as a spoilt toddler who’s just asked for more sweets.
“Fair play to the foxes,” said Furry Rita, spokesbadger for the Harold Wood colony, “we’re glad it’s worked out for them but now the Tories’ll be looking to save face and viciously off something else. They’ll take it out on someone and their traditional prey, miners, seems to have gone extinct.” Continue reading
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British is who you are, not what you are.
Question 1.
You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you
A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?
B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.
Question 2.
You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you
A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.
B – Take the piss out of his shoes?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?
Question 3.
You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you
A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?
B – Laugh?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?
Question 4.
You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you
A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?
B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?
Question 5.
You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you
A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?
B – Throw stones at her until she cries?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?
Time to check your answers.
Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.
Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.
Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.
Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.
Comments Off on Are you a true Brit? Take the Evening Harold Britishness test and find out.
Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Culture, Europe, International News, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Society, Uncategorized
Hobbly the Blackbird has already spawned his own merchandise.
An intern on popular wildlife show ‘Springwatch’ has revealed how she was forced to maim a songbird to meet BBC diversity targets.
Hayley Swank was ordered to ‘blunt its beak, or pull a wing off or something’ by an Inclusiveness Director on the programme.
“I asked if I could just give one of its legs a chinese burn”, said Swank. “But they told me I was being racist.”
Instead, Swank pulled a couple of feathers out and fed it a heavy pie, so that on camera at least, it appeared just disabled enough to not offend the audience.
Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment
Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.
73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Crime, idiots, Law and Order, Motoring, Police, Society, Uncategorized
This is what a badger that’s laughing so hard it can’t get up looks like. So now you know.
Badgers across the UK are today dealing with fierce hangovers having spent all weekend celebrating David Cameron’s pledge to repeal the ban on fox hunting.
“It’s not that we hate foxes,” explained Furry Rita, one of the leaders of Harold’s badger community. “It’s more we’re loving not being Tory enemy number one any more. Claws-crossed they’ll even forget to send in the DEFRA death squads this year. Although do come if you fancy your chances, you shooty lowlife’s, we’ve got a surprise for you.” Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers
Stoned
For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.
Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.
One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.
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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, idiots, Labour, Politics, smallads, Tony Blair, Uncategorized
British Wind for British People
There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.
Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, environment, Farming, Nature, Technology, Uncategorized
Put a ring on this Cameron.
Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.
The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized
The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.
There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized
Just say No
Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading
Filed under Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Drugs, Fashion, Health, Law and Order, Lifestyle, Medicine, Police
I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!
With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Economy, Election 2015, Election 2015, Media, News, Politics
Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val’s old knickers.
BBC bosses have announced a children’s spy competition in conjunction with MI5 to find kids with the right ‘attitude and qualifications’ to lead the new Blue Peter Youth movement.
The Blue Peter Youth is being set up as a social initiative to encourage children to take part in local activities such as collecting milk bottle tops for charity, dog walking, racism, and bracing outdoor activities like cycling, hill walking and book burning. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Media, Politics, TV, Uncategorized
Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.
In a statement the cleric declared that to make statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.
Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.
Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.
Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.
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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, ice, Law and Order, Police, Religion, Uncategorized, War, Weather
For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.
Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.
Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?
Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.
Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.
No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.
Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.
Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.
No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.
Stop!
Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.
No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!
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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized
Members of the paparazzi have apologised to their employers after an instruction to get pictures of a Boxing Day hunt were misheard leaving them with hundreds of pictures of Nigel Farage.
“The instruction was to go out into the countryside and get photographs of a hunt chasing things that they class as vermin with guns,” one photographer told us.
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