Edits to a Wikipedia page that described Nick Clegg as ‘funny, bright, and full of testosterone’ have been tracked to a government PC, his.
The changes which included lines saying he was ‘well respected within the coalition’ and ‘an honest man, true to his word’ have now been corrected, but questions are being asked into who made the incorrect statements.
“I know they have tracked the changes back to my computer, but I promise it wasn’t me,” Nick Clegg told reporters.
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After last night’s vote in favour of HS2, David Cameron has announced the whole project will cost a lot less than originally thought with plans to get jobseekers to build the entire project as part of the governments ‘help to work’ scheme.
“Those receiving benefits should no longer think they can keep getting something for nothing, unless of course that something for nothing is inheritance from an extremely wealthy relative,” Cameron told MPs.
“So those looking for, or unable to work can contribute to this major infrastructure project by being forced to volunteer on it.”
With Max Clifford being found guilty on several counts of indecent assault, the main star of the trial, his small penis, has said it will write a book about it’s experiences and go on a book signing tour.
“Having a little cock attached to you is hard to live with, especially when that cock is Max,” Little Clifford said outside court.
The size of Clifford’s penis size was called into question during the trial, with it being described as ‘very small’.
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Manchester City unveil new statue to commemorate Moyes’ achievements at United
Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinio are just two of the managers that have spent years trying to knock Manchester United from the top two of the Premier League, However David Moyes has shown what a quality manager he is by doing the job in less than a year.
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Following the news a 16 year-old stowed away in the landing gear of a Boeing 767 flying from California to Hawaii survived, passengers flying from Luton to somewhere within 150 miles of Dublin have described how they too miraculously survived the dangerous journey stowed away in the cabin of a Ryanair flight.
The passengers endured the flight at 34,000 feet whilst fighting the effects of a deadly frosty atmosphere generated by the cabin crew.
“We were lucky not to be crushed to death by the seat configuration,” one of the survivors told us. “Leg room was non-existent.
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Parents are to receive their biggest share of their kids’ easter eggs since the economic crash in 2008, latest figures say. The average ‘share’ awarded is set to rise to 24% of all chocolate given to their kids, a rise of 3% on last year.
The share of chocolate, which parents award themselves, has always been controversial, especially during the economic downturn. One cocoa analyst explained the market to us: “The last few years have seen Easter egg distribution on an ‘egg per child’ basis down on previous years, and only now are we seeing aunties and uncles coming back into the market” Sam, aged 12 told us.
“This means parents have had to take a lower percentage of the children’s chocolate to keep overall levels high. But now each child looks set to gain more chocolate capital this year, parents can expect to take a larger share.”
The Duchess of Cambridge has spent the first day of her official trip to Australia continuing to quash the rumours that she may be pregnant.
The rumours started when she was handed a baby shawl from a well wisher and when thanking them said “you may need to make another one soon, we are at it like inbreds”.
After a brief wine tasting session failed to dispel talk of pregnancy, she decided to use being in Australia as an opportunity to get absolutely rat-arsed and completely let herself go, just to prove a point. Continue reading
Tesco have this morning announced a 6% fall in annual profits. They have explained to shareholders that the only reason for the fall is they have spent the last 12 months using the actual ingredients printed on packets.
“A year on from ‘lasagne-gate’ we are now required to use real beef in beef products, not the latest casualty of the 3:15 at Ascot,” said Philip Clarke, Tesco PLC’s Chief Executive.
“But that’s not all. Customers expectation are much higher than in previous years so all of our range has become more truthful, and that costs money. Continue reading
This year will again see villagers from Harold travelling to the capital city to take part in this year’s London Marathon. The course, which is 26 miles and 385 yards (or 36.232 Hectares in European), is a leisurely jog through the streets of the city going past many famous landmarks such as Tower Bridge, the Bullring shopping centre and the SS Great Britain.
Here at the Evening Harold we admire those that take part in the jog, but as most of us were the last to be picked in any sport at school due to our impressively consistent lack of any fitness, we would rather stay in bed watching childrens’ cartoons.
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Nigel Evans MP looks set to be dropped by the Conservatives for bringing the party into disrepute after being found not guilty of several sexual offences.
“We have a code of conduct in the party that MPs must follow,” Grant Shapps explained.
“That code makes it clear that sleaze allegations of sexual impropriety must be followed by a denial with their partner in front of their house, then an admission of guilt, a half-arsed apology and resignation in shame.
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Male Masterchef contestants have complained that they ‘have no way of winning’ following new rules that mean they have to leave the kitchen tidy.
While soufflés and reductions hold no fear for men in the tea-cooking contest, wiping a damp cloth around the worktops afterwards is more than many can manage.
Hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode have winced at the attempts by some men to clean up after themselves. They fear that just the thought of having to leave the place spotless will make many contestants ‘dumb down’ their menus to avoid mess.
Extracts from last night’s show seem to support this.
Fisher (voiceover): Ricky has made his signature dish of cooled-over beans served in a tin cylinder. His workstation remains spotless.
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With David Cameron’s unequivocal backing of Maria Miller leading to her resignation, The Labour Party are now calling on the Prime Minister also give his backing to Michael Gove.
“It’s in the whole country’s interest that Gove isn’t allowed anywhere near important education decisions,” Labour’s deputy leader Harriet Harman said.
“So to make sure he knows he is not trusted to be education secretary anymore we are asking the Prime Minister to make it perfectly clear, and give him his full backing.
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The government has announced it is to push ahead with plain, dull and boring packaging for cigarettes after a decade long trial on party leaders.
“Back in the day when everyone was consuming politics it was easy to tell the difference between the main brands,” Public Health Minister Jane Ellison said.
“So over the last ten or so years we have been trying out the theory of ‘plain packaging’ of the party leaders, and the results are conclusive. Continue reading
Passengers on an EasyJet flight to Magaluf were left shocked and disappointed after cast members from the EDL choir put on an acapella performance of some of their best known hits.
In scenes reminiscent of the Australian cast of Lion King bursting into song to entertain fellow passengers, the group of far-right racists surprised travellers when they suddenly started singing the classic ‘we’re coming, we’re coming’.
“We normally save our voices for our rioting,” one of the baritones in the group explained, “but something about the duty-free alcohol-fuelled flight made us burst into spontaneous song.
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Filed under Culture, International News, Lifestyle
Following years of research, scientists have conceded defeat and admitted they are unable to determine the point of New Zealand.
“Most countries have a purpose,” Mark Lamms, leader of the research programme said. “A ‘raison d’être’ if you will, like France’s ability to give us pretentious phrases to substitute for English ones. But New Zealand has yet to show us its unique selling point.”
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The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has taken a positive step to address concerns over the lack of noise from the formula’s new V6 engine. Today’s Malaysian Grand Prix saw Sebastian Vettel’s moaning recorded ready to played out of the cars at the next race.
The tractor-like noise that comes from the new engines is a lot less ‘thrilling’ than the previous power units according to critics who say F1 will suffer from the lack of a high-pitched, almost unbearable whining sound every time a car screeches past.
However many noticed that same high-pitched, almost unbearable whining sound was still emanating from one of the Red Bulls, but with a slight German accent.
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With a group of Manchester United fans paying for a plane to fly a ‘Moyes Out’ banner over Old Trafford this afternoon, details have emerged of a counter-protest banner showing support for the Scotsman paid for by fans of the other 91 league clubs.
The banner – which reads ‘ignore them David – you’re doing great’ – will fly round Old Trafford during United’s match with Aston Villa, and is designed to show the support he has from everyone else in the country.
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Nigel Farage has been accused of cheating following the LBC EU debate this evening. The Ukip leader has been forced to deny having a stooge in the debate and said the person accused of being placed in the room to make him look good was actually Nick Clegg.
The debate over the UK’s membership of Europe was the first of two, with the second happening next week, and was designed to be between two leaders on the pros and cons of membership.
But David Cameron and Ed Miliband both declined the opportunity so Farage and Clegg took part instead.
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Hitting back at comments from Pope Francis that they must ‘stop doing evil’ if they wish to avoid hell, mafia bosses have said they will stop ‘if the Catholic Church stops first’.
Warning the criminal organisation with such phrases as ‘blood-stained money, blood-stained power, you can’t take it all with you, even if you are a nice Pope’, mafia bosses say they would be willing to give up any criminal tendencies they may have, as long as the Church took the lead.
“We are not saying one crime is any worse than another,” one don explained, “but we are sure as well as hating torture and murder, God isn’t that keen on paedophilia and widespread corruption either.
After gaining more powers over the NHS in a commons’ vote last night, Jeremy Hunt has outlined plans to make the health service more efficient and streamlined by closing every hospital.
Under coalition plans, closed hospitals can either be purchased by private healthcare providers, knocked down for housing, or turned into Poundlands.
The health secretary was forced to defend the move. “The NHS costs the taxpayers billions of pounds every year,” he argued.
“So the best thing to do with an organisation that is losing money is to get rid of it, unless it’s a bank of course, then you buy it.”
Concerns have been raised about the small matter of the coalition providing healthcare and a corridor for poor people to die in. However Mr Hunt explained there will be options for those that can’t afford private insurance.
“We will take the example from the education sector and let people set up their own ‘free hospitals’,” he said.
“It’s a great system that lies outside of government control, which means they can be set up without any real doctors.
“I can’t think of anything cheaper than getting a mechanic doing surgery. In fact, anyone that can remove a rib without making the patient buzz and his nose light up is qualified enough for me.”
Despite widespread condemnation of the plans, the health secretary has said he feels he has the full backing of the soon-to-be-redundant nurses in the hospitals.
“I was in Lewisham just the other day and I’m sure heard them all shouting my name in support. ‘Hunt, Hunt, you’re a funky Hunt’ they shouted. I think. Oh wait, maybe it was…oh.”
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