‘Beef costs more than horse’ Tesco tell shareholders as profits fall


Tesco have this morning announced a 6% fall in annual profits. They have explained to shareholders that the only reason for the fall is they have spent the last 12 months using the actual ingredients printed on packets.

“A year on from ‘lasagne-gate’ we are now required to use real beef in beef products, not the latest casualty of the 3:15 at Ascot,” said Philip Clarke, Tesco PLC’s Chief Executive.

“But that’s not all. Customers expectation are much higher than in previous years so all of our range has become more truthful, and that costs money.

“Having actual tomatoes in ketchup, chicken in chicken pie, and toads in our toad in the hole have all hit our bottom line.”

City analysts believe making ‘everyday’ value crisps from potatoes and not a weekly collection from local psoriasis clinics accounts for 2% of the fall alone.

“Deciding to go for this more ethical approach to customer services is what has cost them,” one analyst told us. “It’s a move the City isn’t quite ready for.

“It may now have to start making the same hard decisions as other big organisations and wealthy people. With the supermarket giant only making £3.3bn, it may have to consider whether or not it can afford to pay any tax.”

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