Tag Archives: Spoof news

Toy JFK Assassination Kit launched

jfk

It’s all very tasteful

The lucrative JFK-Shooting-50th-Anniversary market looks set to welcome one of the biggest hitters in Harold’s lucrative Toy sector.

Ray Dubbins of ToysR our business explains “Our starter kit includes a presidential limousine, complete with two versions each of JFK,  the First Lady and the other one –‘before’ and ‘after’ – and a Lee Harvey Oswald sniper figure which you could place anywhere; on a bookshelf perhaps.”

Beyond this, the sky’s the limit and encompasses most popular conspiracy theories. “You could get a grassy knoll; a Jack Ruby action-man, with realistic bulge under his jacket; a set of Mafia bosses in a huddle, complete with Capo di tutti capi, and a working Frank Sinatra.” Continue reading

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‘Butter up your elderly relatives in time for Christmas’, says Prince Charles

queenBanquet

I suppose an OBE’s out of the question, then?

Following the suggestion by Princess Anne that Britons should eat horsemeat to improve the animals’ quality of life, another member of the Royal Family has come forward with his own alternative to traditional beef.

Prince Charles, who has a range of organic and inordinately expensive products from his Duchy of Cornwall range, has stepped into the row with his ‘Queen Bessie’ line.

While many have been put off the idea of eating elderly or infirm relatives by the poor quality of the meat, weeping sores and lack of good recipes, HRH thinks that it is an option which will garner more and more popularity as rising energy, food and residential care costs bite harder.
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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, Food, From the Vicarage, Royals

“Sorry you’re leaving” card still circulating office months after man retires

Didn't even care enough to get him unwanted gift vouchers

Didn’t even care enough to get him unwanted gift vouchers

A card that was supposed to be presented as a retirement gift has been found still being passed around an office eighteen months after the intended recipient retired and left the company.

John Mills retired from the accounts department of a stationery supplies company in Dunstable in May 2012, after working there for over forty years. A card and collection was passed around the office in the weeks leading up to his retirement, but due to nobody really knowing who was responsible for starting this it is still circulating today. Continue reading

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Long range weather forecaster predicts flurry of publicity/apocalypse

Even Geordies will need a coat

Even Geordies will need a coat

A long range weather forecaster working for a service that most of the population have never heard of has predicted a flurry of publicity for him and his company, after forecasting that the upcoming winter will be “worse than the last ice age”.

James Madden, of Exacta Weather, has a proud track record of accurately predicting the weather before it happens. Just last week, after several days of solid rain, he forecasted that it would “probably rain again tomorrow” and was then proved to be 100% correct the next day. It is this incredible accuracy that has sparked a panic among many people. Continue reading

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Social mobility ‘still a problem in UK, thank heavens’, says Cameron

David-Cameron-and-Scottis-007

Cameron enjoying a friendly word with a serf yesterday

David Cameron today agreed that huge steps would be needed to get people who are not white and middle class into top jobs, and spoke movingly of his great relief that there was no possibility of such steps being taken.

Mr Cameron, who went to Eton then Oxford, was speaking to reporters while riding his personal elephant on a short trip checking the moat around his Chipping Norton country estate. Continue reading

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Vast Antarctic iceberg and huge London fatberg to fight to death in awesome Atlantic berg-off

icebergFatberg

Coming soon to an ocean near you!

Oceanologists were said to be “totally stoked” today at the news that the massive new Antarctic iceberg will float into the mid-Atlantic just as the famous London “fatberg”, recently disgorged from the capital’s sewers, also enters the same region of ocean.

The iceberg has appeared from a 270 square mile frozen shelf which recently split off from the Antarctic Pine Island Glacier, while the fatberg is a fifty tonne dollop of accumulated human unpleasantness which nearly crippled the London sewage system.

It is expected that the two giant bergs will swirl ever-closer, each warily seeking maritime supremacy, until they finally clash in a spectacular orgy of bergy power, filling the sea for miles around with raining death of ice splinters and soft fatty globules. Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, Penguins, science, Weather

Star Wars fans angry at news next movie will be set around Bristol

donkeytrooper

These aren’t the droids Eeyore looking for

Star Wars fans were venting their anger this morning after news leaked out from Disney studios that unusually for the series, the next Star Wars film will be set “largely in Bristol and Somerset.”

The current open casting auditions in Bristol had led some film buffs to question whether characters from the next film would have West Country accents, and it now seems that this is no accident.

“We’re really excited at the prospect of filming in the south west of England,” explained a Disney spokesperson today. “It’s a lovely part of the world, and fits very well with the plot of the next movie, which I can’t give away but is heavily based around cider.”
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Filed under Culture, Farming, Showbusiness

‘Cannibal Mayor’ vows to stay in office

Mayor Jackson in reflective mood.

Mayor Jackson in reflective mood.

The Mayor of the village of Harold has vowed not to resign, despite police confirmation that they have a video of him apparently eating a local pensioner.

Mayor Rufus D Jackson, who had previously denied being a murderous man-eating monster, appeared emotional as he insisted to journalists this morning that “a few isolated bouts of cannibalism” should not prevent him from doing his job.

After months of ducking the question, Mr Jackson acknowledged at a press conference outside Harold’s butcher supplies emporium that he had merely “eaten one or two people” while “really really hungry”.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Food, Lifestyle, Politics

Pet owners complain that their cats smell of Dell Laptops

IMG_0920Eight out of ten cat owners have complained that their moggies have started to emit a smell similar to that of a new laptop computer.

Although the pong, first reported in September, has been identified by boffins as being identical to Dell’s Latitude 6430u laptop, experts are baffled by the cause of the ‘Dell Smell’ phenomenon. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Surviving the wine shortage: a tramp’s guide

Mr Horse

Mr Horse

Recent news of a global wine shortage has caused a panic among the general population, with supermarkets reporting panic-buying of Blue Nun and cross-channel ferries to France fully booked with people desperately trying to stock up to beat the crisis.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are other ways to escape the crushing reality of your daily life without wine, and you don’t even have to resort to hallucinogenic drugs. A number of other alcoholic drinks, which are not in short supply, will complement your meals just as well as your favourite wine, and give you that same warm, fuzzy glow that helps you to forget how awful your job is. Harold’s favourite tramp, John Horse, takes you through some of the alternatives: Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News

Mercury prize won by obscure band who punch goats while holding microphones

Makes an award-winning sound when you punch it in the face

Makes an award-winning sound when you punch it in the face

The prestigious Mercury music prize has been won by a hitherto unheard of band, who eschew traditional musical instruments in favour of recording metallic grinding noises from industrial machinery and mixing it with the sound you get when you punch a goat in the face while holding a microphone.

“The Barclaycard Mercury Prize has taken on even more significance in recent years, as the only other major award for British artists, The Brits, tend to be won by acts that the general public have not only heard of, but also like.” said Timothy Forbes, music editor for The Guardian, “The Mercury Prize is therefore essential to remind ordinary music fans how much better than them us critics are.” Continue reading

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New Orleans residents fundraising for UK storm

OH MY GOD!!

OH MY GOD!!

Residents of New Orleans, who are still putting their lives back together eight years on from Hurricane Katrina, have put their own recovery on hold to raise funds for the relief effort after Storm Jude battered parts of the UK.

Concerts have been organised, charity car washes have been set up and fun runs are taking place, all to help get the UK back to normal after the devastation caused over the last day. Funds will be used to replace broken fence panels and roof tiles, and to fly volunteer teams of “Storm survivors” to the UK, who will put their experiences in the wake of Katrina to use in the clean-up effort. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Uncategorized

God announces cabinet reshuffle

God

Despite omnipotence, God may still need to rely on coalition with Nick Clegg.

Omnipotent Christian deity God has spent the day changing some faces in his cabinet in the first reshuffle for over 2000 years. Many involved are household names and the shake up is seen as significant on earth as it is in heaven.

The big loser is God’s long time wing man Jesus of Nazareth, whose coveted position of ‘sitting at the right hand of God’ has gone to Princess Diana. The heavenly father has recently faced fresh accusations of nepotism as well as a failure to represent females in positions of power, and has seemingly smote two birds with one stone.

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Filed under News, Politics, Religion

Woman changes Energy supplier six times in three weeks in futile attempt to reduce bills

What goes up, must stay up.

What goes up, must stay up.

In an attempt to avoid increasing energy bills, Harold resident, Julie Kettle, has found herself back with her original energy provider after assiduously following Government advice by changing suppliers six times in three weeks to take advantage of the apparent competition.

“At the start of this my provider was SSE,” said Mrs Kettle, “so I was rather distraught when they announced that they were pushing up their bills by 8.2%. The last straw for me was when they announced that their Economy 7 tariff was now going to become ‘Economy 7.57’ in line with the price rise.” Continue reading

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Peter Herbert threatens formal complaint about ‘racist’ monkey signs in zoos

RACIST!!

RACIST!!

Fresh from making a formal complaint about Roy Hodgson telling a joke about a monkey, Chair of the Society of Black Lawyers, Peter Herbert, has now set his sights on the nation’s zoos, who he claims also use the term. The decorated civil rights lawyer is insisting that any reference to monkeys is removed from signs and promotional materials or he will make a complaint to the police.

“To think that in 2013 people still believe that this is acceptable language is unbelievable. Some of these zoos have signs and even adverts that have clear racial overtones which, in the multicultural society we live, is frankly unacceptable.” said Mr Herbert,

“London Zoo, which is one of the biggest zoos in the country and employs many ethnic minorities, has an attraction called ‘Meet the monkeys’. This sort of casual racism is astonishing and my organisation will be lodging a police complaint if this is not renamed immediately.” Continue reading

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Spoiler Alert! I’m a Celeb 2013 – The Full Jungle List

celebLeaked information from ITV HQ had revealed the list of Wannabes and Has-beens competing for the title of “I’m Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2013”.

It promises to be a fiery fortnight with a number of the celebs having publically fallen out big time in recent months. In addition all the old favourite ingredients are included with bikini totty, beefcake and the usual veteran DJ, just about the only one who isn’t awaiting trial somewhere.

No expense has been spared in ensuring that the jungle contains the names you want to see – as well as several you’ve never heard of.

The List in Full: Continue reading

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Hillsborough police footage “featured outtakes from Friends”

New York. Not Hillsborough.

New York. Not Hillsborough.

A pre-inquest hearing has been told that video filmed by police during the Hillsborough disaster “may have been edited”, after an audiovisual expert pointed out that the scenes were interspersed with outtakes from US sitcom Friends.

“The reliability of footage taken from handheld cameras used by police officers on that tragic day has been called into question after an independent expert claimed that there were no Friends actors in the stadium, nor did any of the events take place in the interior of the Central Perk coffee house.” explained Pete Weatherby QC, who is representing 21 victims’ families.

“Police officers present on the day maintain that they acted appropriately and with the public’s best interests at heart. A first viewing of the footage they have provided would seem to back this up, with one officer even single-handedly fighting off an attack by a heavily armed group of Nazi soldiers.”

The images have been cross referenced with BBC footage of the events and experts now claim that there were no World War II Nazi soldiers attacking the crowd on that day, despite what the police tapes appear to show. Nor was a small child rescued from a well inside the stadium.

“It was possible that there was an attack by time-travelling Nazi soldiers that was missed by the BBC cameras, and that there was a hidden well inside the stadium that nobody knew about, which a drowning child was heroically rescued from.” continued Weatherby, “But what has really cast doubt on the footage is the outtakes from Friends.”

“Given that the first episode of Friends didn’t air until five and a half years after the Hillsborough disaster we have reason to believe that the footage may have been subtly and skilfully edited.”

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Pandas, Nuns and a Goth caught up in Badger cull

PandasIt has emerged that badgers are not the only creatures being killed in the Gloucestershire cull aimed at restricting the spread of bovine TB. Statistics released last night revealed that the death toll to date includes 798 badgers, 15 giant pandas, 7 nuns, a Goth, and an abandoned piano.

Although wildlife experts were horrified at the loss of the panda colony, a Defra spokesman tried to put a positive spin. ‘This is good news,’ he said, “because we had no idea there was a flourishing panda community in the West Country. Of course, it’s probably not flourishing now, but it’s nice to know that it had been there.” Continue reading

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Injunction prevents Daily Mail publishing saucy beach shots of Eric Pickles

Being a responsible news organ we can't publish 'The Photo' but this should give you the general idea.

Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.

The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.

Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading

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Ryanair staff to only spit in customers’ faces if absolutely necessary

Trying very hard not to spit right in your face

Trying very hard not to spit right in your face

Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary has said that staff will be instructed to only spit in the faces of customers who really deserve it, amid concerns that poor customer service is hitting sales.

Europe’s biggest budget airline warned earlier this month that profits may miss forecasts, and O’Leary is worried that regularly abusing customers may be contributing to their problems. Continue reading

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