Coming soon to an ocean near you!
Oceanologists were said to be “totally stoked” today at the news that the massive new Antarctic iceberg will float into the mid-Atlantic just as the famous London “fatberg”, recently disgorged from the capital’s sewers, also enters the same region of ocean.
The iceberg has appeared from a 270 square mile frozen shelf which recently split off from the Antarctic Pine Island Glacier, while the fatberg is a fifty tonne dollop of accumulated human unpleasantness which nearly crippled the London sewage system.
It is expected that the two giant bergs will swirl ever-closer, each warily seeking maritime supremacy, until they finally clash in a spectacular orgy of bergy power, filling the sea for miles around with raining death of ice splinters and soft fatty globules.
Professor Noel Richardson of the Institute for Climate Research spoke enthusiastically of the iceberg’s chance of surviving the encounter, saying: “Icebergs totally rock, nine tenths under the water FTW for the win! I would imagine.”
Doctor Darren Rogers from the Department of Physical Sciences at the University of London took a more sanguine view of the fatberg’s chances however, pointing out that fat’s intrinsic immiscibility with water was likely to mean the inevitable break-up of the ice mass, and adding: “Fat pwns, top of the class, stick the rest up your arse!”
Captain Gavin Barker, of the International Maritime Rescue Organisation, while warning of the considerable danger to shipping in the region, expressed a hope that a passenger liner overloaded with schoolchildren might be caught in the middle of the conflict, preferably along with a ramshackle fishing trawler captained by a grizzled alcoholic sea dog on his last voyage before retirement. “It’s going to be so epic, man!” he nodded sagely.
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