Trying very hard not to spit right in your face
Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary has said that staff will be instructed to only spit in the faces of customers who really deserve it, amid concerns that poor customer service is hitting sales.
Europe’s biggest budget airline warned earlier this month that profits may miss forecasts, and O’Leary is worried that regularly abusing customers may be contributing to their problems.
“A lot of the customer service elements don’t cost a lot of money, but maybe just a little more than we’re willing to spend to make travelling with us slightly more bearable.” said Mr O’Leary, “Maybe it’s my fault, maybe my own character has influenced our staff to be overly macho and abusive. I do ensure they are all regularly beaten, maybe they are taking that out on customers.”
Regular complaints from customers include being charged excessive fines for hand luggage exceeding size limits by a fraction, being spat on as they queue to board the plane, and occasionally being punched in the throat as they try to sleep.
A dip in bookings for September, October and November suggests that customers are finally starting to decide that saving a bit of money on your flight is not quite worth the ordeal of flying with the Irish airline.
“I’ve instructed all of the Ryanair workforce to try and be less obvious in their abuse.” continued O’Leary, “Just little changes, like you don’t always have to spit in somebody’s face, you could just try to trip them up as they head for the toilet. You know, make it look like an accident.”
Mr O’Leary then pushed a journalist to the floor and urinated on him, before adding “I’m sorry, I really am. I’m trying to change.”
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