Bloom before going deep cover as a ruddy-faced bigot
Evening Harold exclusive interview:
Godfrey Bloom splashes in puddles. As we walk to Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! for a brunch of vegan bacon and eggs washed down with foamy glasses of milkless milk, the now ex-senior Ukip politician cannot conceal his delight at being free of the boorish identity he had to assume to fulfil that role and so splashes his Birkenstocks happily in the puddles on the High Street, his kaftan flapping in the breeze.
“It was hell,” Bloom says of his former life once we’re settled in a cosy booth and he’s removed his crochet beanie lamenting over the amount of time it’s going to take for his hair to grow long again, “but worth it. My mission was to penetrate Ukip and troll it by hogging the headlines and when on Friday Nigel Farage said ‘increasingly, over past months his statements have left us in a position where, frankly, what we stand for and what we campaign for are irrelevant,’ my work was done.”
Refusing to name names Bloom revealed that there are several other socialist trolls undercover on the right wing of British politics each with the same mission: be absurd, be grotesque and make ordinary people reluctant to listen or to espouse the same views for fear of being ridiculed.
“There are more ‘trolliticians’ out there than people imagine,” Bloom said. “They operate at every level from town councillors to Mayors of London. Unsung heroes forced to have bad haircuts, wear blazers, drink real ale and have ridiculous attitudes towards women.”
Surprisingly when this reporter congratulated themselves for having spotted two of the more it’s-obvious-now-you-know trolliticians -Tommy Robinson of the EDL and Nick Griffin of the BNP – Bloom was quick to laugh and say that they were wrong.
“Trolliticians? Those two? Not at all. They’re just c***s.”
And with that Bloom thanked us for a lovely meal and departed to merrily splash his way through the puddles once more.
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