The Mayor of the village of Harold has vowed not to resign, despite police confirmation that they have a video of him apparently eating a local pensioner.
Mayor Rufus D Jackson, who had previously denied being a murderous man-eating monster, appeared emotional as he insisted to journalists this morning that “a few isolated bouts of cannibalism” should not prevent him from doing his job.
After months of ducking the question, Mr Jackson acknowledged at a press conference outside Harold’s butcher supplies emporium that he had merely “eaten one or two people” while “really really hungry”.
He said he was “embarrassed” by his behaviour, but vowed to run for re-election. “I may have devoured ten or twenty locals, and people may question my drive for the job,” he burped, “but when I look at the villagers I realise I am hungrier than ever.” Confessing to have feasted on “a mere fifty or sixty” of his constituents, he pointed out that he had already sought help from the village psychologist, who he had unfortunately also eaten. “He was a seasoned professional, which actually made things easier,” he admitted.
The mayor angrily defended his record of hard work in the community. “Don’t get me wrong,” he continued, “I find most of the locals are really sweet, and I’m the last one who wants anyone to get bitter. Even though tramps leave a bit of a bad taste in your mouth. Look at the homeless problem – people told me to do something about it, and I herd them.”
The mayor has not been charged with murder, but village PC Anita Flegg said this was “only because authorities were afraid of also being eaten.”
Mr Jackson’s mother Diane acknowledged her son had a “huge weight problem”, but insisted this was “largely the fault of the villagers.” Asked whether she thought her son was a cannibal, she responded: “It depends on what you call a cannibal. If you consider a cannibal to be someone who has the odd glass of wine and smokes crack, then he’s not a cannibal. If, on the other hand, you take ‘cannibal’ to mean someone who eats human flesh, then yes, yes he is.”
“You have to change, you have to show the public that you’ve changed,” she admonished him. “There’s nothing that he can’t recover from, and he will recover. Unlike a thousand unfortunate locals”