Tag Archives: Hillsborough

Sun’s equal op’s policy sees Kelvin MacKenzie offend every Everton fan

Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?

The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.

MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.

“You know, idiots or those who are both  blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall denies being UKIP leader

Oh, yes I am leader of that UKIP. I thought you meant the other UKIP

Paul Nuttall has no idea how claims that he was leader of UKIP, ‘The Friendly Face of Racism’, appeared on his website. “Wasn’t me.” he said “Prove it.”

Nuttall blamed a ‘press officer’ for other, more believable claims; that he’d scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup final, held a PhD from John Lennon University and been awarded the Nobel Prize in Theoretical Physics, for work on limits to people fitting into a finite place. Continue reading

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Police ‘too busy’ on Hillsborough cover-up to bother with Rotherham children

Armed Police visit the home of a child rape victim, to tell her parents to stop whining

South Yorkshire Police have explained that they were far to busy lying about their responsibility for Hillsborough, to be much concerned about children being raped in Rotheram.

“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing for you media types.” said a South Yorkshire Police spokesweasel  “But back then, lots of colleagues still had pensions riding on our blaming victims of Hillsborough Continue reading

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Nominations announcement soon for Police ‘Lie of the Season’


Results will be altered and covered up in time for award ceremony.

The prestigious 2013 National Police Lying awards ceremony will be held at the O2 arena later this month and with only days left until nominations close, excitement is building.

Contenders for the headline Lie of the Season award will certainly come from amongst the numerous plebgate participants but the smart-money is awaiting the outcome of this week’s Home Affairs Select Committee. Committee Chair Keith Vaz MP will find himself in the unusual role of ‘the nice one’.

Sergeants Stuart Hinton and Chris Jones, who are expected to put in yet another stirring performance at Westminster, may later have the opportunity of reprising it 12 miles away at Wormwood Scrubs; to Big Ron on the landing of E wing.
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Police make pinky-swear to review ‘Lying protocols’


Oscar Tango, I am not wearing a helmet. Over.

Police Officers have sought to clarify their procedures on whether it’s OK to lie about people who tell lies for a living.

In a statement, Police from Warwickshire, West Mercia and West Midlands explained that “Despite a thorough investigation we do not believe that there is any evidence that these officers’ pants are on fire.”

It went on to clarify, “Yes, Police Federation members met last October with Andrew Mitchell, who gave them a full and frank account of his language in the matter and apologised where appropriate. Yes, they then came out of that meeting and told the media that he hadn’t done so. Yes, it now transpires that Mr Mitchell had taped the meeting, showing that they’d lied. But, to put it in context, his mum smells.”

The Hillsborough Support Group has expressed its disbelief that serving Police Officers could possibly be involved in lies and deception. “We send our heartfelt sympathy to the Police who have been found out in this way. Who knew?” said a group spokesperson.

Meanwhile, in London, where ‘plebgate’ events began in 2012, friends of Steven Lawrence and Blair Peach who have somehow managed to avoid false arrest and police assault, are organising a fund-raiser for the Metropolitan Police Benevolent Fund.

A man wearing a balaclava for health purposes explained “an officer already has to work a full 30 years before being cast onto the scrap heap with nothing but a massive lump sum and index-linked pension to survive on. The Government are planning to make things even worse and we felt we should help. There aren’t any police officers outside are there? I think I’m allergic, they bring me out in lumps.”

Janus Tomkins, the Force’s Media Finance Intake Co-ordinator insisted that the Police Federation were right behind their members.

“The good old days where villains could be fitted up as necessary are long gone,” said Tomkins,  “but it’s my understanding there’s an exception for activists, politicians and football supporters. Are you wearing a Greenpeace badge? Right, you’re f***ing nicked son.”

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Hillsborough police footage “featured outtakes from Friends”

New York. Not Hillsborough.

New York. Not Hillsborough.

A pre-inquest hearing has been told that video filmed by police during the Hillsborough disaster “may have been edited”, after an audiovisual expert pointed out that the scenes were interspersed with outtakes from US sitcom Friends.

“The reliability of footage taken from handheld cameras used by police officers on that tragic day has been called into question after an independent expert claimed that there were no Friends actors in the stadium, nor did any of the events take place in the interior of the Central Perk coffee house.” explained Pete Weatherby QC, who is representing 21 victims’ families.

“Police officers present on the day maintain that they acted appropriately and with the public’s best interests at heart. A first viewing of the footage they have provided would seem to back this up, with one officer even single-handedly fighting off an attack by a heavily armed group of Nazi soldiers.”

The images have been cross referenced with BBC footage of the events and experts now claim that there were no World War II Nazi soldiers attacking the crowd on that day, despite what the police tapes appear to show. Nor was a small child rescued from a well inside the stadium.

“It was possible that there was an attack by time-travelling Nazi soldiers that was missed by the BBC cameras, and that there was a hidden well inside the stadium that nobody knew about, which a drowning child was heroically rescued from.” continued Weatherby, “But what has really cast doubt on the footage is the outtakes from Friends.”

“Given that the first episode of Friends didn’t air until five and a half years after the Hillsborough disaster we have reason to believe that the footage may have been subtly and skilfully edited.”

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