Police make pinky-swear to review ‘Lying protocols’


Oscar Tango, I am not wearing a helmet. Over.

Police Officers have sought to clarify their procedures on whether it’s OK to lie about people who tell lies for a living.

In a statement, Police from Warwickshire, West Mercia and West Midlands explained that “Despite a thorough investigation we do not believe that there is any evidence that these officers’ pants are on fire.”

It went on to clarify, “Yes, Police Federation members met last October with Andrew Mitchell, who gave them a full and frank account of his language in the matter and apologised where appropriate. Yes, they then came out of that meeting and told the media that he hadn’t done so. Yes, it now transpires that Mr Mitchell had taped the meeting, showing that they’d lied. But, to put it in context, his mum smells.”

The Hillsborough Support Group has expressed its disbelief that serving Police Officers could possibly be involved in lies and deception. “We send our heartfelt sympathy to the Police who have been found out in this way. Who knew?” said a group spokesperson.

Meanwhile, in London, where ‘plebgate’ events began in 2012, friends of Steven Lawrence and Blair Peach who have somehow managed to avoid false arrest and police assault, are organising a fund-raiser for the Metropolitan Police Benevolent Fund.

A man wearing a balaclava for health purposes explained “an officer already has to work a full 30 years before being cast onto the scrap heap with nothing but a massive lump sum and index-linked pension to survive on. The Government are planning to make things even worse and we felt we should help. There aren’t any police officers outside are there? I think I’m allergic, they bring me out in lumps.”

Janus Tomkins, the Force’s Media Finance Intake Co-ordinator insisted that the Police Federation were right behind their members.

“The good old days where villains could be fitted up as necessary are long gone,” said Tomkins,  “but it’s my understanding there’s an exception for activists, politicians and football supporters. Are you wearing a Greenpeace badge? Right, you’re f***ing nicked son.”

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