After 8 hours of traffic chaos people can finally relax on the beach
As the Easter Getaway causes traffic chaos across the UK this season’s first case of in-car cannibalism has been reported in a tailback on the M5. Continue reading
Category Archives: News
‘I stung PM not to punish but to enable’ says jellyfish
Jellyfish: apparently the top 1% own more of the sea than the other 99% combined.
The jellyfish who yesterday stung David Cameron as he swam off Arrieta beach in Lanzarote has denied intentionally upsetting him. Continue reading
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Kate steps up attempts to quash pregnancy rumours
The Duchess of Cambridge has spent the first day of her official trip to Australia continuing to quash the rumours that she may be pregnant.
The rumours started when she was handed a baby shawl from a well wisher and when thanking them said “you may need to make another one soon, we are at it like inbreds”.
After a brief wine tasting session failed to dispel talk of pregnancy, she decided to use being in Australia as an opportunity to get absolutely rat-arsed and completely let herself go, just to prove a point. Continue reading
‘Beef costs more than horse’ Tesco tell shareholders as profits fall
Tesco have this morning announced a 6% fall in annual profits. They have explained to shareholders that the only reason for the fall is they have spent the last 12 months using the actual ingredients printed on packets.
“A year on from ‘lasagne-gate’ we are now required to use real beef in beef products, not the latest casualty of the 3:15 at Ascot,” said Philip Clarke, Tesco PLC’s Chief Executive.
“But that’s not all. Customers expectation are much higher than in previous years so all of our range has become more truthful, and that costs money. Continue reading
New Cadbury’s creme eggs only visible through microscope
Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.
The ongoing reduction in size of Cadbury’s creme eggs has resulted in the 2015 version no longer being visible to the naked eye, and yet they are still more expensive than when they used to be massive.
“The Cadbury’s creme egg is an iconic chocolate snack, ostensibly released only for a limited period around Easter but actually available all year round apart from one day in October, when it is removed because it is ‘out of season’.” said Lorraine Robinson, Professor of Disappointing Confectionery at the University of Exeter. Continue reading
Filed under News, Uncategorized
Mumsnet attacked by Heartbleed Bug: data-thieves suffering after being exposed to so much bile
He just wanted credit card details not a 250-page debate on Katie Hopkins
In a cyber-crime first desperate data-thieves are trying to give back the information they’ve stolen. Using the Heartbleed bug a small gang attacked Mumsnet and have been left in tatters by what they saw.
“I’m not a bad person,” said a hacker who would only give their name as X. “All I wanted to do was steal people’s personal information and use it for financial gain I shouldn’t have to be exposed to…to…to that.” Continue reading
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Filed under News
Now Osborne complains: “Evans asked for a Hand Out”
“You’re kidding!” Evans sees his lawyer’s invoice
Nigel Evans will not re-apply for the Conservative whip until he knows if his recent defence costs will be met by the CPS, say friends.
“Obviously, as a Tory, I’d be opposed to any increase in state funding, especially for defending alleged criminals” said the former Conservative MP.
“However, just as obviously, as a flesh and blood human being, I feel very hard-done-by and frankly, to quote my bank manager, ‘completely skint’”. Continue reading
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics
Don’t blame Me for your mess, Dave: Jesus denies all involvement in Cameron’s Big Society
A younger, bearded David Cameron standing up to the bankers. Or it’s Jesus being tremendous, we forget which.
In a speech that had many wondering if it was somehow still April 1st David Cameron claimed that he is doing the Lord’s work. Something which Jesus strenuously denies.
In his speech Cameron said: “Jesus invented the Big Society 2,000 years ago. I just want to see more of it.” Continue reading
Nigel Evans dropped by Tory party for not being involved in sleaze
Nigel Evans MP looks set to be dropped by the Conservatives for bringing the party into disrepute after being found not guilty of several sexual offences.
“We have a code of conduct in the party that MPs must follow,” Grant Shapps explained.
“That code makes it clear that sleaze allegations of sexual impropriety must be followed by a denial with their partner in front of their house, then an admission of guilt, a half-arsed apology and resignation in shame.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
“Thanks for calling Samaritans. Press 1 for ‘I’m a bit sad …'”
We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’
A recent Government announcement means a big shake up for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”
Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading
Labour now call for Cameron to ‘back’ Michael Gove
With David Cameron’s unequivocal backing of Maria Miller leading to her resignation, The Labour Party are now calling on the Prime Minister also give his backing to Michael Gove.
“It’s in the whole country’s interest that Gove isn’t allowed anywhere near important education decisions,” Labour’s deputy leader Harriet Harman said.
“So to make sure he knows he is not trusted to be education secretary anymore we are asking the Prime Minister to make it perfectly clear, and give him his full backing.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
“Scottish independence will bring Voldemort back” claims Lord Robertson
Is this what you want, Scotland? Well, is it?
In a truly apocalyptic speech given in the United States former defence secretary and Nato chief Lord Robertson claimed that Voldemort would rise again if Scotland becomes independent. Citing “forces of darkness” and “cataclysmic” effects Lord Robertson warned that life as we know it would end if the union between England and Scotland is rent asunder. Continue reading
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Duchess of Cambridge Down Under: desperate search for photogenic disabled kids for her to hug continues
This kid was rejected for being too damn cool
As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge begin their tour of New Zealand and Australia the hunt for the most photogenic disabled or seriously ill children in both countries has intensified. It is a requirement of the tour that Kate is photographed hugging at least three sick or mobility impaired children a day and finding ones that fit the criteria laid down by Buckingham Palace is proving to be a tough job. Continue reading
Maria Miller’s handy guide to non-threatening phrase use
“Do you want some?” When offering tea
Have you ever been embarrassed when a finance director keeps on asking you to justify your expenses claim? Maybe you were busy doing important stuff and forgot to explain but telling him to ‘P*ss off’ is rarely wise.
Sometimes your own career simply hasn’t prepared you for the task. If, say, you’ve worked in advertising – making things up for a living – you might not realise that sometimes people are supposed to be open and honest. Continue reading
England gets Scottish flag tattoo as a declaration of love for its northern neighbour
If it all goes tits up then they can always have it changed into a no stopping sign or something
With just over six months to go until the independence referendum England has made a permanent declaration of love by getting a Saltire tattoo.
“This proves just how much I love Scotland,” said England. “But I had it done on the Yorkshire Dales so if I need to cover it up for work I can.”
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Pippa Middleton humanely destroyed after fall at Grand National
Pippa Middleton’s arse: we shall not see its like again
There were sad scenes at Aintree today as the Grand National claimed another victim. Unusually the tragedy did not take place at Beechers Brook but in the Royal Enclosure when Pippa Middleton who was wearing stylish but vertiginous high heels, took a tumble and broke her left buttock.
Senior Royals looked on dispassionately while race officials quickly erected a tarpaulin screen around Ms Middleton and she was swiftly and humanely dispatched.
Latest USB cable still won’t reach between wall socket, table
New USB cable will support the widest range of knots yet.
IT boffins have confirmed that the newest variation on the USB cable will still be slightly shorter than you need.
While the current USB cable is incompatible with the wall socket behind the sofa and that new table you bought in Ikea, rumours on the internet had suggested that Version 3.1 would feature a breakthrough in length technology.
But scientists confirmed that it will still be just a few millimetres bereft in that department, so that if your phone rings while it’s charging it will be smashed on the floor.
“People take their gadgets for granted these days”, said professor Sarah Hughes. “But a lot of thought goes into something as simple as a new cable.”
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Filed under News, Technology
Cigarette ‘plain packaging’ to go ahead after successful trial on party leaders
The government has announced it is to push ahead with plain, dull and boring packaging for cigarettes after a decade long trial on party leaders.
“Back in the day when everyone was consuming politics it was easy to tell the difference between the main brands,” Public Health Minister Jane Ellison said.
“So over the last ten or so years we have been trying out the theory of ‘plain packaging’ of the party leaders, and the results are conclusive. Continue reading
Prince Philip to have tea with the Pope: menu includes cake and casual racism
Tense times: diplomats fear that Prince Philip will not heed their warnings and insist on telling his Belgrano joke.
It should have been a pleasant occasion, two amiable old pensioners, who both believe in God, massive wealth, splendid ceremonial outfits and the undemocratic retention of power, sharing a pot of Earl Grey and a bit of gossip. Unfortunately it has been announced that Prince Philip will be accompanying the Queen to her meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican this afternoon.
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