Latest USB cable still won’t reach between wall socket, table


New USB cable will support the widest range of knots yet.

IT boffins have confirmed that the newest variation on the USB cable will still be slightly shorter than you need.

While the current USB cable is incompatible with the wall socket behind the sofa and that new table you bought in Ikea, rumours on the internet had suggested that Version 3.1 would feature a breakthrough in length technology.

But scientists confirmed that it will still be just a few millimetres bereft in that department, so that if your phone rings while it’s charging it will be smashed on the floor.

“People take their gadgets for granted these days”, said professor Sarah Hughes. “But a lot of thought goes into something as simple as a new cable.”

“You wouldn’t believe how long it took us to develop the material for the new socket, the level of friction was critical. It allows the cable to drop out of your mobile noiselessly while you’re sleeping so you miss your alarm. But at the same time it grips just enough to fling it across the room and under the wardrobe if you trip over the damned thing when you get up to pee in the night.”

Hughes confirmed that the revised cable will support the current ‘get tangled in everything’ protocol as well as the ability to harness dust bunnies.

“But the thing we’re most proud of is our virtual loose connection routine, which will have you fiddling with the cable for hours. It’s linked to the state of your battery so it knows when to act up and sort of responds to the angle of the phone, how you kink the lead with your thumb and whether or not you’re still looking at it.”

“It’s the killer feature that makes our product unputdownable. Is it charging now? I think…wait…no. Perhaps if I unplug it, plug it in again and twist it a bit? That’s nearly…maybe I’ll just sit here and hold it like this.”

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