Pippa Middleton humanely destroyed after fall at Grand National


Pippa Middleton’s arse: we shall not see its like again

There were sad scenes at Aintree today as the Grand National claimed another victim. Unusually the tragedy did not take place at Beechers Brook but in the Royal Enclosure when Pippa Middleton who was wearing stylish but vertiginous high heels, took a tumble and broke her left buttock.

Senior Royals looked on dispassionately while race officials quickly erected a tarpaulin screen around Ms Middleton and she was swiftly and humanely dispatched.

“The Queen is a seasoned racegoer,” said one royal insider. “She knows that when a horse breaks a leg the most important part of its body is compromised and being no longer fit for purpose it must be put down. The same, of course, applies to Pippa. With her arse rendered useless she simply would not be capable of appearing endlessly in the tabloids and wearing tight dresses.”

Once the body had been taken away on the back of a truck to a chorus of good-natured calls of “one for your dinner table, Princess Anne” those inside the Royal Enclosure carried on knocking back the champagne and enjoying the unique race day atmosphere.

“The ones you have to feel sorry for are Carole and Michael,” said one well-refreshed racing enthusiast of Pippa’s parents. “Pippa was already rumoured to be worth several million pounds and her value was expected to keep on going up for at least another three years until gravity began to take its toll on her truly splendid behind. After that I believe the plan was to use her as a brood mare.”

Just as the party was well and truly under way again the Royal Enclosure was host to another brief moment of drama when a waiter dropped a tray of glasses which startled Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie causing them to stampede.

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